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| This is Isaac getting mad because he can't climb and move in his winter clothing :) by the way, I DID totally overdress him for the day... a warm coat would have sufficed I believe :) |
Looking back over my life, I can now see that the "can't" attitude has always been lurking in the back playing field of my life. So many times when I thought I couldn't, and I didn't. Many lost opportunities and amazing experiences slipped through my fearful open handed palms. Moments, I will sometimes gaze at and wonder what would have happened if... such a sad word, if. Fortunately there have been enough moments in my life when I thought I couldn't and I surprised myself by accomplishing the very difficult "I can't." When I allowed myself to move forward against the insurmountable "can't" moment, and slowly the immobilizing fear becomes exhilaration, pleasure and awe as I witness the climb over and around the impassable. One of those moments for me was during my second son's childbirth. It is one of the most miraculous things a woman can do, but it does not determine a woman's value and contribution to life. For me, it was a teaching moment from God.
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| overwhelmed by leaves |
My experience with my first son, Asher, had its own lesson to learn, love as a gift from God and the idea that pain and suffering can lead to exquisite joy. With Isaac, my second son, I learned something new, because my experiences were different. When I gave birth to Asher, I had an epidural, the pain was intense, my body was shaking and I was vomiting because of the pitocin they used to induce me. With Isaac, I was determined to complete the journey without being induced by pitocin and without any pain killer. One of the reasons was because I remembered my sister's story of natural child birth. She talked about the pain being unendurable as if she was walking the line in the Valley of Death and when she thought there was nothing more to give, it was done and she exclaimed in joy "My baby, My baby! and held her baby close to her heart.
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| My baby |
For whatever reason I wanted to experience the whole deal, I wanted to prove that I could tolerate the pain, that I could pass close to the veil, suffering for my child, so that I could learn and exclaim as my sister had done in joy, "My baby, My baby!"... I thought that by doing so, maybe I could understand, a little, of how the Savior feels for us. He endured immeasurable pain, suffering and sorrow so that He could give us Life Eternal. He did it because He loves us and so He could heal us. I know that it might sound sacrilegious to some, to me it is a beautiful metaphor that helps us to understand the Savior and His love for us... It is a sliver in comparison to what He did for us, but it still gives us a glimpse.
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| Glimpse of Heaven |
During the worst of the pain I was able to take myself out of my body, up and out the top of my head... so that the pain was there, but I wasn't IN the pain I was outside of it... I did that in running a sort of out of body experience where I could feel the pain, but somehow I could take myself outside of my body and push it to go further and faster then I could have ever imagined. There did come a point though, during child birth, when I couldn't escape the intense pain in my body, but by that time I was delivering my baby which didn't last very long at all. less then 15 minutes of pushing... some people can finish a three mile race in that amount of time... I probably never will... but I can give birth in the same amount of time.
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| MOom! |
Of the experience I wrote:
"I wanted to see if I could give birth naturally and I did! It was a sort of taste test experience, how will I like chocolate with marshmallows vs chocolate without marshmallows, how will I like natural birth compared to an epidural?... Actually, both the epidural and natural birth hurt, there is not a "truly" easy way out... I thought I had missed something having an epidural that most women expreience, a closeness to the Savior, A walk through the valley of death. Instead I have found that what I was taught with Asher and Isaac wasn't less, just different. Both experiences taught me what I needed to learn and hear and feel, precisely how the Atonement works, individually.... Both births left me with a feeling of amazement... here was my child! the purpose, the reason behind the sacrifice, the morning sickness, the pains of labor and pushing, here was everything I had been working for, the fruit of my labor and it was more then worth it... before you have the baby you believe it is worth it, but when you have that baby in your arms, you know they are worth it.
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| Seriously, so worth it... such a cute Hippie :) |
Before I started pushing I felt focused but afraid, especially when I started feeling the pressure and the pain. When it came time to push I felt very afraid. It HURT, I was crazy to try this but there was nothing to be done now, the only way out was forward.
My sister Lynaea kept breathing with me, keeping my rhythm from panic mode. She also made me look at her eyes and would repeat, "Stay on top of the Panic!, Stay on top of the Panic! Focus, Focus!... the most comforting was when she said, "You sound just like me, when I was in labor!"
I thought in my mind, "I am like her, I am like her, it is okay, I can do this... she did it, I can do it!" She is another person I respect and admire, to sound like her, be like her... was very comforting, I knew I could do it!" Whenever she said it, it would bring me back from the edge of panic, the precipice of pain... and I could... amidst all the confusion... all the pain... all the, I have no idea what I am doing, there was that focus. You are just like me.
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| Asher was posing... he originally was cuddling with Isaac but when I came to take the picture everything was ruined and we had to go with a pose instead... Isaac really was asleep though :) |
I couldn't have done it without her. I couldn't have done it without my husband, who may not have been as vocal, but he was my rock, my refuge, a place of safety and comfort urging me on with a quiet, physical, hands on reassurance. I would have been lost without him also. (Joshua contributed greatly to my learning experience this time, but it is a little special and I want to keep it between the two of us... let it suffice to say that he was amazed at what his wife had done and who she was...)...
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| "Who are these Children Coming" |
After trekking through the pain and agony and bliss and joy of childbirth, natural, drug free I felt like there wasn't anything that I couldn't do. It was a pivotal moment for me where instead of leaning towards, I can't I started leaning more towards I can. I know my body and my self better now, I know the depths of pain and know that I will push through them. I will not crash and burn. I will not curl up and give in, but I will go forward even though I felt weak and like I couldn't... I did go forward to give life to another. Instead of cringing or shrinking I will push through the pain for the joy of creation and life, a new spirit to love and nurture.
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| Love and Laughter |
I know some people feel that giving birth was a punishment given to Eve... but I don't think it was to punish and torture... Yes, there was pain consigned with the act of giving birth... but in doing so (because really sisters... even with an epidural you still feel pain) we learn about ourselves... the depths, the strength of a woman's soul... not just her body but her soul... and everything she will do to give life to another spirit... to give life to the love she has for her husband. I don't believe learning that about yourself is a punishment, but a joy, a joy that does not come easily.
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| Gazing towards Heaven |
I thought I couldn't but I did. Even though I was weak I pushed forward. Is there anything more beautiful then that, when you feel most that you can't but you do, maybe not perfectly... but... you do.
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| Yes |
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| Mud in my Mouth |
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| Joy in the Simple Things |
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| In Whom All Things Are Possible |
I just read your beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. And you don't have alligator legs so don't say/write that again. I was under the impression that you could have a relatively comfortable experience in childbirth with an epidural. You're the third person recently to pop that bubble for me. I thought you were going to make an announcement at the end of the post since you were addressing the births =)
ReplyDeleteOh, and not that I'm making an announcement, but I have one plan for next time. Positive self-talk. Ashley did it and I most def did not! I'm the one at the end saying, "I can't do this!" Anyway, we'll see how that plan goes when the time comes =)
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