tired mothers

he isn't crying, he was giving us his barbaric yawp

the other day i was explaining to some friends why i am so tired.  i co sleep. while others co sleep well, we don't and recently it has become worse.  instead of waking up every two to three hours, isaac has been waking up every hour, at least.  needless to say i am exhausted.  on hearing this, one of my friends said i was a saint.  they obviously aren't around this house very often.  i am not a saint.  i am a tired and sometimes grouchy mom.  the hard thing about being a tired and a grouchy mom is that you can't put yourself in time out.  it would be nice to be able to put yourself in a corner somewhere and try to repair yourself, paste on a smile that won't come off, clear the fog in your brain but your children's needs are constant.  they need to be loved (if you want happy adult children).  they need to be played with (once again if you want happy adult children.)  they need to be fed, changed, potty trained (ugh, more like i need to be trained on how to train my child to potty train), they need to be put down for naps, listened to, sang and rhymed to.  i am not complaining,  i know those are my jobs (by myself when josh is gone), it was on the list of job qualifications when i decided to become a mom.  it would just be nice if there was... what is it that i would want... a magical traveling mom, like nanny mcphee or marry poppins... someone you could definitely trust... to come by and see the rings under your eyes... the obvious state of not being showered (really, showering should not feel like a luxury.)... and other signs and affirmations that this mother needs a time out... and this magical mother would say, sweetie take a deep breath and exhale you are doing just fine... go relax... have fun... rest... and i will take care of today for you.  but... and there is a but... my only problem with that is... while you may rest and rejuvenate and feel a bit better... in the back of your mind you can still hear, feel, and see your children and you are still worried and thinking about them... and a part of you will miss them while you are doing what you are doing... a part of you knows that this time is so precious and will be gone by the time you get 'back'
i know it is okay to take a nap and it is okay to take care of yourself so that you can take care of others but it is also okay to learn how to be strong and how to be a mom even when you are tired
balance... strategy... dancing... choosing... singing...

i loved the blue of the wall but asher wouldn't cooperate... all though i do love him too :)

in search of beauty

i find myself hungry and searching for beauty to satisfy my soul.
writing sometimes will capture that for me, sometimes a good book or movie will take the corners of my hunger away...talking to my sisters is like participating in a feast meant for a Greek goddess... my soul leaves feeling indulged, fat and rolling with beauty
the creation of beauty is... well... darn... i just remembered i was defrosting pork ribs... what a way to come back... sigh...i hope they are still cold!... yes... still cold...
hmmm... which leaves me in the conundrum of what to do... i need to start cooking them... but i don't want the noise to wake up my children... sigh... i will solve this problem too... i am strong enough and smart enough to know what to do :)
so, as i was saying... the creation of beauty...is soul satisfying too...
hmmm... kids woke up... they are my number one... soul satisfying creations :)

poetry

i would like to write but everything i want to write about may be too personal and more like a diary entry... i have a few of those stored up on my blog already... i love writing... i think i always have... i used to love writing poetry too... but have not tried it for some time... a teacher slew my desire for writing poetry ever again... rather easily i must say... just a few critical words was all it took... and i have been nursing my wounds ever since :)... it is time to be healed,  i suppose, but i don't even have the desire anymore... its more like i remember what it was like... i remember that i loved it... loved to feel the inspiration and words spilling out of me like a fountain... but i can't feel it anymore... its just sort of empty now... ah well... here are some lines of some of my favorite poetry

One Art by Elizabeth Bishop

The are of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent 

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day.  Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

.... (i like more of this poem but feel bad writing all of it)

Theodore Roethke 

The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.

I shall walk softly there,
and learn by going where I have to go

Elizabeth Barret Browning

from Sonnets from the Portuguese

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach...

....

I love thee to the level of everyday's 

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light...

...

and, if God choose, 

I shall love thee better after death

Dylan Thomas

Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

T.S. Eliot

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

Let us go then, you and I,

When the evening is spread out against the sky....
....

And indeed there will be time

To wonder, "do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"

Time to turn back and descend the stair....
....

Do I dare

Disturb the universe?

In a minute there is time

for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse....

these are not the complete poems of course... just the lines that for whatever reason inspire me the most...

seriously need help!!!

why won't my writing go where i want it too! sometimes i write something and it doesn't go where i put it when i publish it!!!!! it looks fine in rough draft and then published it does whatever it wants!!! any suggestions?

baby mine

                                                                                  

baby mine don't you cry

baby mine dry your eye

rest your head close to my heart

never to part, baby of mine

little one when you play, don't you mind what they say

let those eyes sparkle and shine never a tear, baby of mine

                                                                          

if they knew sweet little you, they'd end up loving you too

all those same people who scold
you what they'd do just for the right to hold you

from your head to your toes, your not much goodness knows

but your so precious to me, cute as can be

baby of mine

this song is from
Disney's Dumbo
the part where Dumbo visits his mom in 'jail' and she holds him with her trunk and sings to him...
soooooo
sweet

strange how it changes

no i am not talking about my children... but my mood.
today, i didn't wake up particularly grumpy... i think i had a good morning... but somewhere between morning and afternoon i lost my mediocre cheerfulness ... like losing my keys or my credit card it was quite easy...
it may have been the tantrums i was piloting through... it may be that i have eaten gluten which i believe is turning my brain to fog... of course it is the lack of sleep also dimming my mental light bulb... i think it mostly had to do with me choosing to be grumpy and forgetting to pray... i was told once that my children would behave better and i would know what to do to help my children if i prayed...so i tried it... and it worked. i hate when i forget to pray. it makes such a huge difference... but there is always tomorrow (according to scarlett)...i love waking up after a bad day feeling better and more able to keep the smile and feeling the love you know you have inside of you... maybe an angel pushes the reset button and suddenly everything feels more achievable... there is no desire to be and remain a grump (i did want to be a grump today, there was a little part of me enjoying my grumpiness... sheesh... now that i think about it... i can see the little old grumpy pants inside of me dancing around throwing a party...once again proving that i chose to be grumpy because... darn it all... it is fun to throw a tantrum now and then)
yesterday, i was blithe and giddy... exercising again (for me it was hard core stuff)... back in the mountains again  (i LOVE nature)... with someone (lorna) i could laugh with (although it seems she may not have been around crazy people like me very often... she kept saying... you're weird... if she only knew... the many times i have danced barefoot in my lawn ... in the rain or during a thunderstorm... listening to enya... how many times i have just ran around for the pure joy of it... only somewhat cognitive of the fact that yes i am embracing my freedom with unadulterated joy but i am also not acting according to societal norms)... anyway the hike was fun... it was great! i loved, loved, loved it!
i do believe my children can fit under this headline topic... so i will squeeze them behind my feelings of morbid volatile grumpiness and enthusiastic merriment

today, i learned an important no. no. you cannot let your toddler eat a Popsicle while you cut their hair... i thought it would be a distraction and would allay asher's tears... instead he just screamed, with tears, it was sincere, the whole time (no neighbor i am not killing my child... just cutting his hair... and the other time you heard him screaming... well... that was bath time). the hair got in his Popsicle thus rendering the Popsicle inedible. we gave him another one since it was my fault... luckily, josh came home in time to save both asher and i from the cliffs of insanity...asher was almost hysterical and any hint of geniality had locked itself up safely in the closet... i don't know what will happen the next time i try to cut his hair... so far it hasn't been a good experience for anyone... it is interesting to contrast this hair cut scene with the sweetness of yesterday... asher woke up from his nap and came and cuddled on the couch with me... i told him, "i loved him" and then he said, "i love you mom, but i have to get away" (he was teasing me because i may or may not have been tickling him while he cuddled with me)... at which point i really started tickling him and we woke up isaac with our laughter (well, mostly asher's laughter woke up isaac)...
isaac has entered a new stage of life... his favorite things to do are roll cars on the ground... roll cars on anything he can climb up or stand up with one hand... the other hand is, of course, used for rolling the car. for you or me it is easy but it takes a lot of concentration for isaac... sometimes he throws the car on top of the thing he wants to stand by and then tries to climb up too... usually, the car he has thrown up falls and he has to try again or i cave and help.  he also likes to do anything asher is doing. but asher does not always agree with him, not wanting to share the toys he is playing with... another favorite of isaac's is crawling to the couch or a box and pulling himself up to a standing position and then he bobs up and down, smiling and humming... so proud of himself for having accomplished this major feat... as if he had conquered mount McKinley or something equally important. the thing i love most is that he is very very cuddly... sometimes he will crawl over to me so that i can snuggle and hold him... he will also crawl around and find random pacifiers on the floor and stick them in his mouth but he will NOT take one when he is upset... it is as if he is saying... i know what you are trying to do... you are trying to artificially comfort me and i won't have it... i want the real thing!!!!
both of my boys are so beautiful and i feel very blessed... even on days like this... blessed that i have these two angels in my home...they are both so sweet and attentive
(asher asked me (after i told him i was grumpy) "why are you grumpy?" and then "you need to stop being grumpy" which he said pleasantly and matter of factly :)

explanation

i didn't actually write all these blogs today...

i write them when i can but don't always finish and when that happens i just post them when i can...

what happened today

today i was supposed to go on a walk.  i was going to go and see some friends but we didn't.
we stayed home instead. i am finding that i am not a truly social being.
i tried to get my dishes done once again... it does take a brave heart to do them... i feel like a gladiator when they have been conquered! and i feel to sing... now we are free...
instead we stayed home and read books, navigated some tantrums and are still trying to solve the "how to share with your younger brother" phase we are in... i tried playing woody and buzz with asher but he kept switching which ones i could play with (i think i was not getting the job done right so he kept switching them hoping i would finally understand how to be woody or buzz)... isaac was just plain tired! and kept snuggling and sniffing as if to say... please... please... all i want is sleep (it is a priceless commodity, hard to come by in this house... it seems someone is always trying to wake up someone else from their coveted naps)...isaac almost fell asleep in his high chair until i gave him some food... at which point he perked right up and started wolfing the food down... which makes me think he may have possibly been hungry too... asher on the other hand has been begging for popsicles all morning (for the past 3-5 days, you lose track)... i made some new concoction (macaroni with taco meat in it) which he would NOT eat... he preferred his cold left over macaroni and cheese to what i had made...so i ate it and it was good... i would have preferred eating salad... but oh well... so much for my diet... we then read books after lunch and the animal noises i was making made isaac laugh... so then asher started making funny sing song noises which made both of them laugh... a sweet moment... although it made my book reading obsolete and unheard :)
we then went into the bedroom and i sang songs and persuaded (is it still persuasion if your toddler is throwing a tantrum?) asher that he needed to take a nap while isaac begged me for one... they are BOTH sleeping and have been asleep for at least an hour and a half... my house is mostly clean... except the dishes of course...it feels SO good...
later we will go on a walk with lorna while josh is at school... if i am not too tired

i may be too tired

well...i may be too tired to write and really i should be reading scriptures or writing in my "book" that i will some day write :)... i am going to feel like a copycat but i have been thinking about my own "perfection conundrum" ... i have written about my children, my husband and my sisters... and i believe i have painted a perfect picture of them.   we are not.  they are not.  nobody in this life will or can escape the burdens and trials given to us.  the beautiful thing is that we survive them, we grow stronger, we create beauty despite our imperfections and heavy loads we carry in this life... my sister wrote me a letter... i wish i could find it so i could repeat what she said... but to paraphrase: the beauty of life doesn't come from shooting a par four when we are feeling our best... but it is when we are stumbling... our knees bloodied... crawling forward ... moving forward despite the wounds and the pain... that is when life teaches the most... we show our true strength and the true light/beauty/intelligence we carry within us shines.  she wrote this to me when i felt most like a victim... when the burdens i was carrying were truly heavy ... i felt friendless and unbeautiful in every way... the image of her words were encouraging though... i could see myself crawling.  i could see that i was weak.  but i could also see that i was going to move forward still and accomplish good things in my own plodding and crippled way.
i am no longer a victim but only because i choose to not be one... i am glad i am able to choose.

i did get off topic...

what i was really trying to say is that yes... yes i do romanticize and perfecticize things too (and i try to invent new words, i am shakespeare! thank you! :)... i probably won't talk too much about the imperfections of those around me... it isn't really fair to them... my own imperfections will probably find their own ways of coming through :)

the art and joy of eating

this is  amazing! what is this!

food should make you this happy if it doesn't... then it isn't worth it

oh joy of joys

my spoon

you are so funny mom

really do love this spoon

food happy

bright flash... not while i am eating please

look mom... look blue spoon mouth

let the wild rumpus start!!

 

well okay... he didn't really go wild he was born that way... but he is taking a nap... and so is isaac... which means mommy free time!  i spent the majority of this morning trying to get ready to go on a walk... which can turn into quite the ordeal... with two boys to feed, two diapers to change ( i am going to be brave and start potty training!!!!), two boys to dress (and myself... i am a little bit easier to dress because i don't run away and play games but only if i can find decent clothes to wear), i have the food and water to prepare so i can bribe them back into the stroller when it is time to go home, and then just the normal distractions i face on a day to day basis...if i can get over those hurdles we can go on a walk...  and then i spend the middle of my afternoon on the walk and trying to persuade asher to come home with me when it is finally time to come home...needless and sad to say, because i spent all my time doing that...

there ARE dishes in the sink and toys on the floor... sigh... but we did play and have fun outside for about two hours... we went to one of byu's duck ponds...it has two duck ponds... one is murky and stinky and yuck!!!! the other is clear and clean with a waterfall and stream and rocks to climb on... it is a recent discovery of ours and we have enjoyed going now that we know it is there... although... everytime we have gone asher has "fallen" into the water soaking himself and his diaper... by the way what are the rules for changing diapers in a public park?

it would have been nice to have a camera to capture the beauty of the day...but i don't have a camera right now (i lost the battery charger... sigh...)...  there were some beautiful moments i would have loved to capture today... for instance, we climbed to the top of the waterfall and played in the water... asher put his hands in the falling water and accidentally sprayed everyone that was up there with us... isaac was crying because he was getting wet so i was distracted and didn't realize how wet he was getting everyone (there was a couple romantically persuing a book together... taking turns reading it out loud... and a giggle of girls, seven and under, playing in the water too)... the couple was really sweet though and offered to take isaac while i rescued my son from climbing over some steeper rocks... i decided the waterfall was not a safe place to go yet... or by myself with two little boys... one that gets himself into scrapes and the other who must be held while getting other said boy out of his predicament... it is especially frustrating when that little boy won't listen and stop and come back so that i find myself leaping around like a mountain goat while carrying a nine month old in my arms... every leap becoming a potential fall and roll down the waterfall or into the water with him... i may be too paranoid it is true... but... well there you have it... if josh was with me then it wouldn't be so bad... but he is working and back in school again...

the other part of the day i would have loved to take a picture of was when asher hid in the great fir trees... i love how their branches make a perfect drooping canopy... a hidden place... when you step between the branches it feels like you are stepping into another magical world... Narnia?... a hidden fort?... a place where... surely... you may find an elf or fairy or two... or maybe its just the pure joy of being hidden... being secret... but you can still see everybody and everything... plus the magical world you are living in at the moment...... that is how i felt when i played under the trees... watching asher i am pretty sure he feels the same... plus there are mounds of mulch and dirt under the trees with which he can build with... there was a perfect moment when the sunlight hit asher just right so that he looked particularly impish/elfish hiding in the shade and branches of the tree... and i wished i had had my camera... oh well... (when my camera gets fixed i will post pics of that place... in the meantime i will post these random pictures so you can have something to look at)

asher's birthday

like i said i don't have a camera right now... i lost the battery charger and so was not able to chronicle asher's third birthday like i would have liked too... instead i will post some pictures of asher throughout his three years and talk about how wonderful and amazing he is :)

he was a very good baby... and slept most of the time in my arms or joshua's arms... we had a hard time putting him down... he didn't cry too too much (he did cry i do remember waking up WAY to early wondering how to get him back to sleep... we soon learned the art of burping a baby)

when he wouldn't take naps i would take him on a walk in the stroller... and sometimes he would fall asleep there... he still loves going on a walk in our stroller

he was and is a very adorable baby/boy

on really bad hair days i would wear this hat too!... which should have been an automatic qualification onto what not to wear!

once again proof that babies are beautiful and adorable no matter how funny their hair looks... how many rolls they have... seriously... nothing makes a baby uncute :)

                                               learning how to make a smooth move

                                             hmmm... yummy shirt

                                              

                                                   this tie is better though... have a taste

                                               strings! wow! wish i had discovered them sooner!

                                           it is true, i am adorable... completely cute!

i remember this night still, he would NOT go to sleep... he just sat there laughing and squealing and rocking back and forth... at first i was frustrated when i tried to get him to sleep... but then when i left him alone he was just too cute... so i went and got the camera... i should have had the video recorder... it was a silly sweet moment

                                             yes... he is still mischievous and likes to tease!

learning how to share... this was the first time he met his cousin sari... i think they are only a few months apart

dirt is still a favorite... the other day we were going to the park and he said, "is there dirt at the park mom?"... he wanted to make sure he was going somewhere with dirt... he must have gotten it from me... i loved playing in the dirt and the mud when i was little... my mom would dress me for church and tell me (and my brother, david) to sit still while she got ready... before she knew it we were outside getting muddy and dirty...(my dad had to leave earlier to help with church stuff ) i may not have understood then what my mother was going through... but i DO now! :)

he also loved flags... but had a hard time saying the word right... and would end up swearing a really, really, really naughty word! it was too too funny... once he said it in the Deseret Book Store (a Mormon/LDS store) repeatedly... we left quickly while stifling our laughter

                                                      he also, loved/s flowers and...

balls... he used to be able to dunk and swish on his toy hoop... but he has lost interest recently i am not sure why... we were pretty sure he would be the next... jordan, lebron, williams, etc etc but if he doesn't love it we aren't going to push the issue :)

he also loved/s daydreaming and...

escaping

running to escape

and finding the best way away and out

                                                               sure, give the innocent look :)

                                            just remember not to text/talk and drive! :)

                                             mom... put the camera down... he still doesn't like the camera

                                                                 look look a plane!...

                                          

                                                        i believe he is pointing to a ball... it was one of his first words... along with mom, dad, bob (i am not sure who bob was ), other first words were touchdown! money! booozer!(whe he was about a year or so old)...etc etc... from these words you can tell that his father and uncle love basketball and football!

                                this is the first time he met his second cousin talmadge...
                                                     i believe they got along really well

picking berries... non edible

he loved helping me with whatever i was doing...raking, vacuuming, sweeping dishes... not so much anymore

escaping again

stop taking pictures!

                                          fun in the snow

well... mostly fun... we kept loosing the gloves and using socks 

he was actually having fun this day... we went outside almost every day for the first year and half of his life... and then... i got morning sickness with my pregnancy... we also didn't watch ANY tv (asher didn't) until i get pregnant again... and now we are addicted... sad,sad, sad

this was right before or right after isaac was born... i guess i didn't take a lot of pictures during my pregnancy... i know they should be somewhere put i am not sure where...

just cute

and now he LOVES cars and fixing things, not balls so much

but he still loves dirt

when we go to the park he likes to make little clouds of dust fly... not so fun for those sharing the park with him... i haven't decided what the best policy should be... dust or no dust... only so many battles a mother can choose to fight in one day

besides getting older himself, i do believe the birth of his brother to be one of the most momentous occasions of his little life so far... he did remarkably well... he did hide under his crib a few times because he said he felt better under there... it almost broke my heart to know how sad he was feeling... but they love each other and do a good job of playing together... nothing serious... just normal stuff... like having a hard time sharing... and isaac cries sometimes when asher gives him hugs and kisses (another hard one... what do we do to repair that???)

sari and asher sharing with their grandpa (papa, my dad)

                                         and now he is all grown up! ... our little cowboy

                                              i don't know when it was that he went from this to 

to this

to this free moving, unstoppable boy