Coping

I guess I feel the need to ask myself why I am here and not somewhere else.  Mostly, because my plans for today did not involve being here.  They involved being other places and doing other things.  Like cleaning.  Instead, I am here and I am teetering between feeling guilt and just enjoying the beauty.  Beauty?  I've been reading my sister's blog.  I am always filled with a sense of my soul being satisfied.... and then wanting more.  I want to be surrounded in beauty and I want to create beauty.... and so, here I am.  Creation is a need, we all need to create.

Lately, I've been on a journey.  A small one.  But not a new one.  I've been on this path before, but in a different place and at a different time.  Recently, I invited Jillian Michaels into my home, via a workout DVD.  Her personality is so big that it does literally feel like she has become a part of my life.  Sadly, an almost negative part of my life.  I almost feel compelled to workout everyday and eat healthy and if I don't, I feel like I may just be overweight and unhealthy for the rest of my life... and yet I can't blame a DVD persona for lacing my life with guilt and making me work out.  But I also know that I am the one who bought the DVD because I wanted to make a change.  I am the one who turns it on in the morning and pushes myself to becoming more able to work hard.

I love the feeling of pushing my body to painful limits and winning small victories.  To me, it isn't just about working out and being skinny, it's about accomplishing the impossible, it's about saying: I CAN!  I can do ANYTHING and I have Proof.  It isn't about regretting the moment but celebrating it, celebrating strength and enjoying the energy that helps you to accomplish even more.

Sometimes I wonder if it can be that simple.  I choose Joy.  I will release, like water off my back (let's pretend I'm a duck, so the water can really just slide off).  Maybe a balloon is more fitting.... I will let it go, like a balloon thrown into the air.  I will release guilt.  I will release fear.  I will release anger and self loathing. Why should I hold onto the negative emotions?  How do they help me grow?  How do they help me create? I probably won't do this perfectly.  I probably will need to practice.  But I think I see a little more clearly.