Today, I woke up and didn't feel as sick as I did when I had morning sickness AND the flu. I worked hard, played with my children, did yoga, went shopping for Christmas decorations and then came home and threw up. Then I was grumpy and exhausted. We had just barely recovered from the flu and a long semester of school. And now here I was attempting to orchestrate a perfect Christmas moment. My kids were going crazy trying to decorate the Christmas tree all by themselves... with all my new fancy decorations. I watched with horror as they did there best to shake the ornaments out of their boxes, tried to hang them on the tree without proper hangers, through them, bang them together; I felt like I was putting out five dozen fires all at once. It was supposed to be a pleasant experience. But it wasn't. I had been anticipating this moment 'forever'. But this was not how I pictured my beautiful Christmas tree or how I imagined this moment with my children. The golden beads were draped in knots on the lower half of the tree, strategically placed there by Asher. He was so proud of himself. The ornaments were haphazardly placed or strewn on the floor. We were late getting things up because of school and illness. So, I had been anticipating this moment 'forever'. I wondered how my parents did it, letting the kids help decorate the tree. We didn't have shatter proof ornaments back then just glass ones that would have knife like edges if they broke, how did she stay sane? I don't remember my mom pulling her hair out as little kids shook the boxes of ornaments trying to dump the shiny spheres on the floor and then grabbing as many golden, red, and green globes to place on the tree as their little hands could carry. I don't remember chaos. (should I even mention Isaac stuffing his mouth with ham and then spitting it out on the floor and then running off. Or how about when Asher and Isaac tried to play in the large Christmas Tree box, nearly breaking its home?) Did I do it wrong? Should I have waited to feel better and be organized? Was it the morning sickness? Was it the late night? Was it because Josh was sick still with the flu on the coach while the kids ran a muck with the Christmas balls strewn around the floor and falling off tree limbs. Despite my frustrations, my boys were so enthusiastic and so excited to finally have "Christmas" in the home. Isaac kept exclaiming loudly, "Christmas!" as he hung the ornaments haphazardly at his own eye and hand level. As if this, this is what Christmas is... these golden sparkling, red shiny, green and golden embossed circles are Christmas... this is it! And Asher now feels safe that Santa Claus will find us with the tree lights on. We had some lights up earlier but I took them down, because I was tired of the boys constantly plugging and unplugging them, pulling them and tugging them to 'redecorate' or play with them. When I took them Asher broke down into tears claiming Santa Clause would NOT be able to find us without the lights up. I assured him, in my non-sympathetic frustration, that Santa would find us. He stopped crying but I think he feels much better about his chances of being visited by the white bearded, cherry faced, round bellied gift giver now that we have decorations again. It is funny how these moments are a mixture of feelings for me. Disappointment in my reactions. Pleasure in my children's sweetness. Frustration that I can't control them. Desire to change and do it better.
I know I should not excuse myself with tiredness and morning sickness, but do I at least give reason to my insanity? It is easier to be a 'good' mother when I am not feeling exhausted by it all. I wish I could be that 'perfect' mother no matter how difficult the circumstances... isn't that part of learning? Learning how to do what we know is right even when things are difficult/hard? Practicing and practicing, working and working at continually improving? I suppose it takes time and practice and learning to 'let go'... for all of life.
I think though that I have learned several valuable lessons. 1. Use homemade ornaments or at least ornaments that don't make you cringe with fear every time the kids pick one up. 2. Wait until you can be organized (not right after the flu and morning sickness and late night shopping). 3. The memory you create is more important then the preservation of your things. (not that they should break them all... I think they only broke one in fact... but maybe it's how you deal with the breakage that can build or destroy the memory) The End. Lesson Learned. Hopefully. P.S. All the ornaments are on the top third of the tree... out of the reach of little hands.
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