the world, not the sky... the world is falling down.
I must say that the past few weeks have been roller coaster like...without the hands waving in the air and joyous screaming... Roller coaster ride that is more like... thinking everything is okay and then suddenly you are on a dark and rickety ride, with plunges and twists and turns you weren't expecting. You aren't sure were you are going, you wonder if you will make it, and you hope the light at the end of the tunnel is just that, a light, and not some steam engine barreling down upon you. What a steam engine is doing in an amusement park I couldn't say.
I have found that being a mom and being a student is not easy. The two seem to exclude each other, for me. I cannot concentrate on being a mom when I have a huge paper and deadline looming before me. When I am a student doing my paper I cannot keep track of or even take care of my children. Meals become sporadic, kids run around naked, bedtime shifts and becomes a debate, colds turn into pneumonia (they were naked all the time!), in laws are asked to devote serious amounts of time to my children, chaos is a permanent guest at our home. Not to mention the abundance of short tempers and the shortage of patience. While I am at my desk, sitting in my chair, my heart burns and desires to be with my kids, while my back, eyes and brain burn from sitting and staring at the computer screen. If you combine this with Joshua being sick for three months now, a certain dalliance with chronic fatigue... the burdens just seem to multiply, by two at least. Now, I am not only a mom and student, but a permanent taste tester of different physicians, quacks, and naturalistic D.Os. And still, no answers. No solutions. No improvement. Some days, maybe a little and others maybe a drop in energy, maybe even a little more sick. One week, I was sure that Josh had a tumor. A friend of mine related a story to me of a friend, who had a husband who suddenly became sick and exhausted, finally they found a tumor and he died three day later. I would frequently converse with myself... battling the sudden surge of panic, what if he died? What would I do? How could I possibly repair my heart? The tumor has been excluded from the list of things making Josh sick. It was a relief, and a reminder to myself not to worry about things that I don't have control over.
Then we had the week of attempting to finish a project for one of my classes. I tried to be proactive, tried to get it done but found myself tied up and anxious... not able to be mom, not able to be a student, dr. appointments and Isaac getting sick, then Asher getting sick, then Josh getting sick... I am sick now too... My teacher was willing to work with me... but who knows how much I tried his patience, or if he is used to having students like me. well... the project is finally done, for better or for worse... Asher has pnuemonia, which causes all sorts of anxieties in my little heart... Josh couldn't get out of bed this morning, Isaac has a really bad cough, and ...well... here we are...
I am facing my storm and I will come through standing up, kneeling down or crawling... the point is I will make it :)
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