If I were a Horse

When I was a child I would dream about one day becoming a horse.  Some children want to grow up and be doctors or actors but all I wanted to be was a Thoroughbred, Arabian, or Morgan.  My brother, David, and I would run around our pasture (my parents had 20 acres at the time), with one little stick in each hand so we could have four legs, imagining ourselves to be graceful and powerful horses.  We would spend hours describing the color of horse we would be.  My favorite colors were a silver gray or creamy palomino although a burning red bay would have been acceptable too. occasionally, I would try to widen the scope of our play and say I was a flying horse or a unicorn or even more daringly a flying unicorn, at which point david would balk, draw a line, make up some new rules and say that, "no, you cannot be a flying horse or unicorn!"  I would question his judgment, as all good little sisters do, and demand to know why I couldn't be something as beautiful as a flying unicorn would be.  He would respond by saying  " flying horses and unicorns are not real!"  This logic would always end the argument at that time, but now if I could I would say, "Well, we aren't really horses yet we are pretending to be them! what is the difference if what you are pretending to be is impossible to be, why not be whatever you want to be.  Besides elves aren't real but you will pretend to be an elf."  I don't know if that would win the argument, some arguments just can't be won by either side.  Part of me believes that maybe, possibly, David didn't want to be a flying unicorn because it was outside the spectrum of manliness.  Elves on the other hand lay snuggly on the safe side of masculinity.  While David would pretend, if he didn't like it or it wasn't real then you couldn't do it.  Maybe if I hadn't insisted on having rainbow wings he would have allowed me to stretch, soar a little more with my imagination...

Later in life, when I was  no longer of the age where I could run around with two sticks in my hand without causing some concern for my mental welfare, I would dream about finding a valley.  one that had some how been missed by all the explorers, pioneers and satellites.  To help explain this dream, I feel I need to pause and inform the reader of something I have always valued/found fascinating about myself... I am part native american, somewhere between 1/4th and 1/8th... is that possible?.  don't laugh... I have had someone laugh at me before, probably because I look so English.  I am part Native American, running threw my blood are the native nations of Cherokee, Choctaw and Creek.  As a child I loved knowing this about myself.  There was something that drew me, still draws me, to the Native American culture.  Part of the romance of the Native American, for me, is their belief in Nature and the spiritual connection you can have with it.  I believe there is a spiritual connection with Nature that is healing and calming, I love it.  Another aspect of the Native American culture that I admired was their ability... at least as a child I believed it was their ability,...to walk softly in the forest.  It was something my dad tried to teach us, placing your feet gently, heal to toe so that no noise was made. It was part of becoming one with your surroundings, so that you could be trusted by the animals in the forest. My father thought that if he could teach us to walk quietly nature would come to us, but I don't know how successful we were because I don't remember seeing many woodland creatures on our walks. And so, as a child I had an image in my mind of what a true Native American was.  Someone who could blend with the shadows, softly and gently walking the forest floor, nary a twig, branch, pine needle, or leaf crunching (everything that crunched under my own feet).  They were one with the earth and all of mother nature having an unspoken language with all animals, all plants that grew, even the soil and mountains would know their footsteps and the touch of their hands as they grew the food they needed to eat.  In a few words, they were everything I wanted to be, graceful and elfish, at least, everything I wanted to be if I couldn't be a horse.

The Valley was as perfect as my imagination could make it... the grass was tall, green and soft... a perfect hiding place for a child and also, happily defunct of bugs and any other creeping or crawling uncomfortable creatures, perfectly safe...  therefore,  it was mysterious and inviting...there was a waterfall on one end of the valley with a small cool stream, clear and talkative, running through the valley floor... it was there that I would build a small cabin on a grassy knoll above the pool created by the falling water... I also, never worried about food, maybe I ate grass, I am not sure for in dreams, there are no limits created by impossibilities.  On the opposite side of the valley there would be a herd of wild horses, beautiful, strong, intelligent, graceful and wild.  I would live among them and eventually they would allow me to become one of them (these were poopless horses)...soon after my initiation into the herd, somebody, usually my parents and a few others would always come looking for me.  My family was always led by my crush, my knight, my hero of the day.  He would lead my family with certain knowledge,( born from the love he had for me) of where I was, and with energy he would search for the girl ( I was only ten) of his dreams ... Hearing them coming I would run away... not wanting or desiring civilized life... wanting only the cool comfort of my stream, the tall grass to dream in, and the wild horses to run with... of course, only the brave boy would see me and come chasing after me through the tall grass...slipping silently but quickly on light feet through the trees... my little body flickered in and out of view... my graceful and small calves showing to best advantage as I ran... and just... just when we had made eye contact and without speaking, vowed an undying and eternal love, he would reach for me and try to capture me.  But still preferring the wild life to being captured by my true love, I would turn and run away with my wild horses and as I ran I would mysteriously and magically transform into a beautiful silver gray filly... leaving the boy alone and wondering .

but it never happened...

ps
this particular prince charming also sat at my bedside weeping because i was dying of scarlet fever... i don't know if this was post anne of greene gables or not

The End of the Day

 Yesterday, we had a bad day.  By the time night time came around we left the house and bought some food and I decided to get some for Josh too... I would be an amazing wife and bring him something to eat at school so he wouldn't starve while working on his project... we get there and asher is just tooting up a storm... he was one gassy boy... I should have been able to read the signs... we finally found josh ( i just knew he was in a lab in the crabtree building) and he didn't want his (now cold) gluten free hamburger :)... but he needed to work for another half hour before he could come home... so the kids and I went out of the lab to wander the halls until Josh was done... and that is when the adventure REALLY began...

Isaac was ecstatic to be crawling around on the floor... he just took off in one direction and went as fast as he could and Asher... well... he began to bounce all over the place... running back and forth... one of the times he  passed me I noticed something a little off and wait.... was that a brown stain on his pants... Seriously! Really!  ugh! he leaked in his pull ups... poop everywhere! (not really everywhere... just a brown smudge) and I hadn't brought extra diapers!  I then tried to hold down my poopy child jumping bean( i held on to his feet as he tried to crawl away) so that he wouldn't get the poop else where... the whole time two male college students were sitting at a table in the hallway eating hamburgers smiling at the ordeal passing just a few yards away... fortunately, Josh came out just at the right time to help... he took Isaac back into the lab to try and work more and I took Asher into the bathroom and cleaned him up... while I was cleaning Asher up he kept grabbing toilet paper and throwing it in the toilet as fast as he could and then he would run to the other side to flush it leaving me with the poopy wipe and unable to stop him... the toilet had a leak... water was everywhere... I was losing my temper which always frustrates me when I have a hard time controlling it... 

I then had to decide whether it was more offensive to allow Asher to run around naked at BYU, run around with poop smeared in his pants, or if he should have wet pants with most of the poop washed out.... I ended up with the wet pants option but tried using the hand dryer first... while I was drying his pants asher ran around bare bottomed.... After this delightful procedure we went back out to wait for Josh... While we were waiting a class got out of session and then proceeded to hold a party in the hall... pancakes and bit sized brownies were being served... and asher ran up and down the hall dodging in and out of people... pushing buttons on the elevator... just insanely wild... sadly, I didn't even try... it wasn't a fight I wanted to fight...

I did overhear the college students talking together though... something about the wild children they probably would have when they grew up!.... they have no idea...

Wanting to know how Josh and Isaac were doing I peeked back in the lab to see how things were going... I could see Josh trying to put things away and then he grabbed Isaac in what looked like desperation... leaving everything else... and came out and said, "I can't even put my things away, because of this crazy kid!"  Isaac also likes to push buttons... especially computer buttons... Finally (I have used these words a lot), we had the boys bundled up and on the way out... and as we were leaving the building I saw a couple... a young girl and boy talking together... I heard  her exclaim, "oh! how cute!' (we each had one kid under arm or hand firmly clasped) and then she went on to say to this young man, "I can't wait until I have my own"... I saw his body jump (only slightly) as if in surprise or shock... which made me wonder if they were dating or just friends... because if they were dating she just basically (in BYU language) asked him to marry her...

In my head, I couldn't help but laugh, if she only knew what she was asking for!!! or more accurately, I reminded myself to laugh when I could because tonight I was just a little too tired!

A little boy, his balloon and Heavenly Father

several months ago i bought asher and isaac a balloon each at the BYU creamery. when we got home we opened the car door and there was a gush of wind that blew the balloon away before we could think to grab the string and keep it safe... asher was devastated (it was his balloon that escaped)... we watched the balloon fly away through the clouds and out of sight... i sort of beautiful picture actually... other then the fact that my son was in tears...in order to comfort him we talked about how the balloon was safe (he was worried about it) and going to heaven, Heavenly Father would take care of it and keep it safe... we were very unaware of the problems this would create later :)
since the incident, there have been several conversations about this balloon... and several accusations that Heavenly Father took his balloon away from him... which has caused some concern for me (but i am not overly worried)... i don't want asher to believe in the sort of God that would take a balloon away from a little boy and keep it from him although the little boy wanted it back... i would rather that he believed in a God that would keep the balloon safe and would give him the balloon later when Asher (after a LONG life) returned home...
today, asher said something like this, "Heavenly Father has my balloon... i am going to fly up there and get that balloon back from him... where are my wings? i need wings to get there... does Heavenly Father have my wings? do you have my wings mom?"
all though these questions cause some moments of reflection (and some effort not to smile)... on how to best answer my children... a simple but complex moment... i have to smile at the sweetness and innocence of my child...
i tried to explain one more time that Heavenly Father had not taken the balloon that the wind had carried it away and the if he wanted ... at a later time... he could talk to Heavenly Father about this balloon and that maybe Heavenly Father would keep it safe for him until he got there to get it back :)

i am very aware the picture has nothing to do with the story... but... it is a picture :)

when my children were born

the other day, someone asked me how i felt when i first saw my newborn child being held by my husband (she was referring to the moment right after birth)... i thought back on the occasion and to be honest i don't remember my husband and child together as a clear distinct picture.  so much was happening right before and right after my children were born that that memory is wrapped up in a complete and whole picture of us: josh, the newborn child and me.  Not a jigsaw puzzle pieced together but one whole, glowing and alive moment. we were a newly growing family, i had love in my heart plus the extra Heavenly Father gives as a gift on these occasions.  what my mind and heart remember most about this particular moment is the overpowering feeling of love for my family... just newly grown... and a knowledge that these past 9/10 months were so very, very, very worth it... all the morning sickness for the whole nine months, crippling pain, weight gain, HAVING to eat so you don't get sick... sort of a slave to eating really..., lack of sleep, tossing and turning, braxton hicks that are almost labor, the labor pains themselves... excruciating pain... all of it... every last minute was worth it and would be done again as promptly as possible just to have this experience again... but, to me, this moment is like faith something felt but not seen.  both my first and second babies i would tell myself... this is worth it, as i vomit into another bowl... at the end of this i will have my baby, as i wake up in the middle night having to eat or suffer the consequences of morning sickness... it will be worth it as i fall out of bed unable to walk from the pain in my back... but i did not feel it until the second it was all done... after the last anxious and excruciating push... and this little body... this little person i have been sacrificing everything for and waiting for so anxiously ....wondering about who they were and what they would look like... finally emerges, the pressure and pain is suddenly gone and i see and hold them in my arms... it is a miraculous moment... where i finally know what my heart and mind had been trying to tell me all along... this child was worth it

asher asleep

i still have moments like these... most often at night when my little children are sleeping... and not because i am finally free because they are sleeping... it's because when i look at them and see them... really see them..... and all the fire that glows under their skin (their vast potential/energy and love of life)... i see the sweetness of their natures... their perfect purity and innocence... i am filled with an unspeakable love and joy and feel so blessed to have angels in my home... and i often think over the day and either rejoice that i was a good mother that day... or a sense of sadness comes over me... realizing i missed it...that my day with angels had been split up between chores, the computer and whatever other distraction i could find... and i fervently say to myself... tomorrow i will love them better
in the end i feel grateful for the Savior who makes weak things stronger...me....

isaac asleep

this morning

this morning i lay awake thinking... just thinking about... stuff... and then i thought... i want to write... so here i am... josh is taking care of and watching the boys... all though i should be getting ready to go to aunt larita's so we can ride horses... so much the procrastinator...
first, i was thinking about this blog and wondering who reads it... i know there are family and friends who read it and that is pleasing... but are there people who accidentally find themselves here and when they do are they glad they found themselves in this place... or do they leave as quickly as propriety will allow... which after all is just a click of the mouse... my thoughts were brought to this question because another friend of mine said that it is important to have a blog so that literary people can read it and then publish your book.... so then i thought of the absolute crazy assumption that 'other' people would actually read this 'stuff' ... and i thought... maybe i should perfect what i write... i don't do too many rough drafts... i am aware that my writing is flawed... but it would take weeks to make it perfect so i just write and slop it on :)... i can't decide how i feel about 'other' people reading my 'stuff' but then... it is on the internet... what was i expecting... not to be found accidentally or purposely.
(asher just came up to me with the big costco box of fruit snacks... mom can i have a fruit snack?... so funny!)
my other blog conundrum thought process went this way...
funny that i started this blog for the sole purpose of being able to write politics and religion without offending anybody... after all this is my little corner where i can raise my voice without worrying about offending people... if they come here they deserve to hear it :).... i was becoming too political and religious on my facebook and had heard some rumblings about people not wanting to hear that sort of thing... the funny thing is that i haven't stopped my political and religious sharing on facebook... but i don't really get too religious or political here... i keep closer to my family... a sort of diary of what we do and how i feel... which is hard for me, to mix sometimes how i feel and what i am doing together on the same post... somehow i find they are in separate compartments that only mingle when ordered to and only stubbornly even then.

the clean pond and waterfall

i have my camera again and asher is begging me to stop taking pictures

today, was a good day.

i went for a walk with my boys early this afternoon, rather then later like i normally do, because i keep dilly dallying and losing track of time and chores.

the air was cool, the wind was fresh, the rain was delightful with only an occasional drop, nothing that drenched us.

i don't know if you can see it but the disturbance on the water is rain

the boys were smiling and laughing...

 all though i had to take isaac's shoes off to illicit a smile from him... he does not like his shoes at all... but socks are intriguing and all right.

we went to the 'clean' water park and asher and isaac both chased the ducks... asher exuberantly and isaac determinedly

but we had to leave early because asher was drenched but he did not throw a tantrum or resist...

he went rather willingly

asher wore my sweater and these blankets home

little moments

life seems to be made up of all sorts of moments...moments when you think you just might be going crazy, driven there by your child swinging from the walls, the chairs, the grocery shopping cart your own personal little monkey... occasions when your children are blessed little angels snuggling so close to you with their warm little bodies.... all the love in the world wrapped up in their sweet hugs... days when you realize that your house will never stay clean no matter how many times you clean and re-clean it... weeks when your day to day rush of living leaves you gasping for air, in a current you just can't stop, time waits for no one (this is when the house gets messiest :)... and there are times i wish i could package the events of the day... in my very best wrapping paper... and save it forever...and never forget how precious and wonderful, sweet and perfect (despite all the imperfections) it really is... yesterday, was just such a day for me

we tried going on a walk to the park and when we arrived we realized we couldn't play there because all the toys would be too too too hot :)... so, we went to the dirty duck park instead of the clean one because it was closer and we were running out of time...

see how green and dirty the water looks!

when we arrived, I  set asher free from the confines of his stroller... he immediately ran over to the only other people that happened to be there... a young man and his... wife?... sister?, i wasn't sure but he had a protective air about him.  She was severely crippled and hobbling around on one brace trying to feed the ducks and enjoy nature.  it was a reminder to me to be grateful... to be kind...to marvel at the tenacity and endurance of the human spirit. They were warm and kind and shared their food for the ducks with asher (corn chips)... it was a beautiful moment but a part of me felt awkward despite this couple's kindness. asher is so unafraid of people when we are at the park... so willing to go up to them and figuratively embrace them... sometimes literally as in the case of the runners around the byu race track... while i love that he is so unafraid and so willing to love others, i, as mother, am lingering around my child while the strangers try to appropriately respond to this precocious child... if they knew asher it wouldn't be so awkward i am sure... part of my insecurity is that i don't know how long i should allow asher to linger and when we should say, thank you and move on to do our own thing... after all, our fellow park goers did not go there to play with asher but have their own agenda and things to talk about while there.  i was grateful in the end that they were generous and sweet and shared with asher their smiles, their generosity and their corn chips.

next, asher, isaac and i moved up the stairs and found a little patch of grass where i could put isaac down (he later wondered off and found some bushes with two to three inch thorns... luckily, he hadn't tried to hold them yet) i then chased asher in a game of tag while isaac watched... sometimes laughing.... sometimes oblivious and doing his own discoveries and sometimes i could see a longing to join in the fun (walk baby walk!)... This fun only lasted a few moments.  Asher's attention span will only last so long, especially when just few feet away from our playing were some sprinklers... it only took a few minutes of playing and maneuvering for asher to realize that he could control the direction of the sprinkler... while i was encouraging him to stop and desist from this fascinating activity... i heard yelping and screaming... i looked up the hill and realized asher was soaking two coed girls coming home from classes... i hadn't realized how far the sprinkler could go... before we left asher sprinkled one other coed and a man in a nice dress suit... after this last incident it was time to employ some discipline and remove my child from the situation.  So back down the stairs to the stroller we went (oh and did i mention... on the way up the stairs some one randomly turned around after they passed us to casually remark on how cute my children were... that is only because he hadn't been sprayed with the sprinkler :) :) )...  on the way back down... we came across the byu construction crew rebuilding a creek bed, waterfall, and brick path... asher, with his usual lack of fear, walked straight up to the young men and started grilling them on what was going on! ( i will write the questions down... i can't remember the order or how often he repeated the same question...)

"what are you guys doing?"

"are you working hard?"

"where is the tractor?"

"is it tired?"

"what is that pile of dirt doing"

"what are those bricks doing" (this is his funniest way of asking things... what are those mountains doing, mom? or what is that store doing?... things like that)

their first response was shock and reserve... then smiles and nods as they tried to respond and translate my three year old's jabber... then actual answers :)...

later, the boss of these young men came over and let asher work with the guys (they had to re do what asher did and even some of what they did because asher was not careful enough to avoid the smooth dirt and walked right through it! :)... but asher loved it and they didn't seem to mind but seemed (so hard to tell) to be enjoying the moment too!

while asher was working, he said...

"this is hard work!"

"i love working with tools and dirt!"

"i love hard work!" (i hope that lasts!)

their boss took pictures of asher and then sent one to me so that i could have proof that my son worked for byu... he told us we could use it for later when we tried to get asher into byu... he was just a genuinely sweet man... which made a good day even better... i felt enhanced... uplifted... encouraged by the generosity of the people around us... making a fun day with my children, beautiful... one that i wish to remember forever... it could have been a hard day after all... chasing asher away from the sprinklers and keeping him safe by my side... but instead it was nice... pleasant... beautiful... amplified by the interactions of really good people who were generous, kind and accepting of my sons forward nature :)

these pictures were not taken the day of this walk

twighlight

the other day, as i was nursing my son to sleep, i allowed my thoughts to drift, float and meander until they came upon the absurd little word... twighlight... why? why would they spell it that way? wouldn't it make more sense to spell it twilight ...and i began to wonder about the origins of the word... and i thought maybe it was supposed to be like twiglight... like the shade under the branches (twigs) of the tree... darker... a place where shadows play in the light...i then conjured my favorite picture of twilight...

one that makes me think of trees... rolling hills adorned in long golden grass with tall pine trees... dark against the burning sky...dark...yet soft and velvety, like lace... the sort of place a horse and rider could romantically, if not realistically, gallop across in a sudden bid for freedom...  all of these pictures and ideas combined in my head only to emerge as irrefutable proof that yes, it was twiglight not twilight...
but...don't worry reader... i talked to josh and he corrected my REALLY bad spelling... it is twilight and not twighlight...

josh was really surprised i would write something like this about myself... if it is humorous at all to anyone then i don't mind exposing my silliness :)