pictures

I am in a writing slump.  So here are some pics that I have been taking.

dear blog

What happened here! :)

I want to write.  I like blogging.  I don't know what to say.  Something Creative.  Some sort of Essay, where I can creatively express life in symbols and metaphors and tie it all in with being a mother and a wife.  Nothing. Got nothing.
I want to write creatively because in my last paper I wrote there were at least two amazing sentences, two sentences where I felt brilliant, like Shakespeare... and now... nothing.  So, instead I will talk about the transition back into mom hood (I never stopped being a mom, I just didn't have as much time to devote to it.)

Angel Baby who knows how to get in TRouBLe

Coming home was harder then I thought it would be.  I wanted to be home with my children, but a part of me missed the.... what is it... the socialization, the learning, group discussions, finding new literature to read...I am not sure exactly what it was that I was missing.  It was a battle of sorts for me.  I wanted to be with my children and missed those perfect days, with my children, that serve as a store-able heart warmer.  And yet I missed the 'freedom' of going to school.  Today, I had a moment where I didn't feel that tug-o-war.  Asher had made a fort on top of our couch with all of its cushions.  He was standing on top of the pile proclaiming to be a super hero AyAh.  Later, he explained how the pillows beneath him were shrinking machines, a shrink-a-madoodle, and then he shrunk me.  All this was done, while I was laying on the floor cuddling with Isaac and tickling him as we watched and listened to Asher play.  Finally, Asher joined us and then Josh came in the room and laid down on the floor... there we were... one happy, laughing family.  It was a perfect moment.  But it only lasted briefly.  One perfect moment is food for an eternity. right? :)

Practicing his Super Hero Mojo

Later, Asher gave me the super hero name of JoJo and Josh became DoDo (as prompted by myself :).  Asher doesn't realize the significance of DoDo yet. :)

I won't say

I received my grades, and they are ones I am happy with.  Maybe someone else would feel like they didn't do well, but I do feel like I accomplished something AMAZING!  so, we are good.

My world during School

This will be a compilation of some of my thoughts this semester


the world, not the sky... the world is falling down.

I must say that the past few weeks have been roller coaster like...without the hands waving in the air and joyous screaming... Roller coaster ride that is more like... thinking everything is okay and then suddenly you are on a dark and rickety ride, with plunges and twists and turns you weren't expecting.  You aren't sure were you are going, you wonder if you will make it, and you hope the light at the end of the tunnel is just that, a light, and not some steam engine barreling down upon you.  What a steam engine is doing in an amusement park I couldn't say.

I have found that being a mom and being a student is not easy.  The two seem to exclude each other, for me.  I cannot concentrate on being a mom when I have a huge paper and deadline looming before me.  When I am a student doing my paper I cannot keep track of or even take care of my children.  Meals become sporadic, kids run around naked, bedtime shifts and becomes a debate, colds turn into pneumonia (they were naked all the time!), in laws are asked to devote serious amounts of time to my children, chaos is a permanent guest at our home.  Not to mention the abundance of short tempers and the shortage of patience.  While I am at my desk, sitting in my chair, my heart burns and desires to be with my kids, while my back, eyes and brain burn from sitting and staring at the computer screen.   If you combine this with Joshua being sick for three months now, a certain dalliance with chronic fatigue... the burdens just seem to multiply, by two at least.  Now, I am not only a mom and student, but a permanent taste tester of different physicians, quacks, and naturalistic D.Os.  And still, no answers.  No solutions.  No improvement.  Some days, maybe a little and others maybe a drop in energy, maybe even a little more sick.  One week, I was sure that Josh had a tumor.  A friend of mine related a story to me of a friend, who had a husband who suddenly became sick and exhausted, finally they found a tumor and he died three day later.  I would frequently converse with myself... battling the sudden surge of panic, what if he died?  What would I do?  How could I possibly repair my heart?  The tumor has been excluded from the list of things making Josh sick.  It was a relief, and a reminder to myself not to worry about things that I don't have control over.

Then we had the week of attempting to finish a project for one of my classes.  I tried to be proactive, tried to get it done but found myself tied up and anxious... not able to be mom, not able to be a student, dr. appointments and Isaac getting sick, then Asher getting sick, then Josh getting sick... I am sick now too... My teacher was willing to work with me... but who knows how much I tried his patience, or if he is used to having students like me.  well... the project is finally done, for better or for worse... Asher has pnuemonia, which causes all sorts of anxieties in my little heart... Josh couldn't get out of bed this morning, Isaac has a really bad cough, and ...well... here we are...

I am facing my storm and I will come through standing up, kneeling down or crawling... the point is I will make it :)

Isaac saying please

Isaac... I have finally figured out how to get him to say please... before I would say something like this... "when you say please I will give such and such to you"... or in moments of desperation,

"just say please and you can have it!"... he wouldn't say a THING... just whining and pig squeals to get what he wanted... so frustrating, to think this might be the manner of communicating with your children for the rest of their lives!!! :)... but finally, one day I said... "Isaac, how do we ask for things?" and he said, "please."  Ding, ding, ding! revelation... Isaac will not be pushed into saying or doing something, in any way shape or form... he has to figure it out himself.  Which for me translates into great ingenuity as a mom... think mom think.  So, now I say... how do we ask for something and he always says, "please"... hurah hurah... by the by... I can't tell you how many times he will say something ... like someone's name... and they will try to get him to repeat it and he will sort of smile his secret smile and keep mum!

my boys, during school

tonight, Asher was practically drunk.  at least that is what I would call it, maybe slightly delirious would be more appropriate since he is only three. :)  He has a fever of over 100 and he came out of his room saying... "I can't sleep because I can't smell!" ... that is his way of telling us, I can't breath! So, I went to the store because we were out of Vick's baby vapor rub to see if it wouldn't help him breath better.  While I was there I bought some Vitamin Water.  When I came back both Asher and Isaac were bouncing around like rubber toddlers who had just eaten a bowl full of sugar.  Josh informed me that they had actually calmed down a little bit.  Kids who are sick, in the middle of the night do strange things.  Asher saw the drinks I had brought home and was eager to try some.  I encouraged him to drink the one that would help him get better and not the one that makes you think real good... my way of explaining the waking up process that I wanted to avoid.... He then started speaking about the situation with the speed of a motor bike on the autobon... at the end of his conversation he said... " mom, you don't want the one that makes you think, you don't want to think bad thoughts, bad thoughts hurt your brain and the bones inside your head."... what a good kid, he understands the true nature of bad thoughts :)

The other day Isaac and I were walking outside in the moonlight... We were picking up the kids after a long day of school and homework... we just couldn't get it done with them at home that day... Anyway, Isaac really wanted to be outside, so I took him out and we walked around the house looking at the almost full moon and the stars.  I pointed to them moon, and said, "Can you touch the moon Isaac?"  He reached his little hands towards the luminous orb and strained and grunted trying to reach it, when he realized he couldn't reach it, he turned to me and said, "please"... or in baby talk... peas... As if to say, will you get if for me because I can't reach it.  I hope that one day, he will be able to hold the 'moon' in his hands.  He can reach, given time.

Asher and his prayer

Tonight, Asher gave the prayer over the food.  During the prayer he asked that all the monster be sent away, at which point he stopped and conversationally turned to his father and said, "you know I don't like monsters or monsters in the lake or watermelon monsters or lake monsters or alligators in lakes." (something to that effect)

it was so hard to keep a straight face...