what my boys and i have been doing

it feels like forever since i have had a moment to write...
so many things to say.
well... here goes
first.

isaac is growing so much and changing and learning and letting us know exactly who he is! it's fun.
he has started standing up randomly... first, he will squat and then slowly rise up until he is standing... then he will smile and smirk... as if to say... yes i am amazing :)... the first time i saw him do it, being the good mom that i am, i clapped and whooped and  showered him with praise... and he just looked at me like... uh... mom... what are you doing? is this a good thing or a bad thing?... but now he just eats it up!
the other day isaac, asher, josh and i all went to byu to get josh's school books... while we were there we took a small detour and picked up some milk and hot dogs at the creamery (we had the stroller... a regular home evening night :)... we then walked to the 'clean' duck pond that has a stream, pond and waterfall... on the way there the boys ate their hot dogs... well, asher ate his hot dog and isaac ...isaac... helped... by wolfing down everything in sight and when his was gone he kept grabbing at asher's and stealing his bread... the hot dog itself tightly entrenched in asher's hands was the only reason isaac didn't eat that too! :)... it was SO funny to see the interaction... isaac so unafraid... this is what i want and I AM going to get it... and asher, sort of... didn't care... he just looked a little miffed... but never said anything or did anything to stop isaac and neither did we... if asher had been upset we may have done something... i think it worked out all right because asher doesn't like the bread anyway :)

for me, it was a perfect moment... i have been wanting all of us to go up to the waterfall and play together for quite sometime... but it never seemed to work out... with josh going to school and working and people getting sick... etc etc...  but, this day we were out in nature ... enjoying it together... and someone else got to run off after asher while i played with isaac... isaac doesn't get much down time to explore because asher does not sit still or stay near me... most of our time is spent chasing after asher, making sure he is safe... i haven't cracked down on it yet... maybe i should... but there are so many battles to choose from that i have decided to let this one go for now... when the two boys start running in different directions i may change how i feel about the situation :).

while we were there josh and asher took one of the hot dog "boats" and used it to go over the waterfall... josh did it first while asher waited with me at the bottom of the (smallish) waterfall... josh from up above was trying to get asher to move along the rocks at the bottom of the waterfall...instead asher plunged into the pool (not too deep but it was too cold!)... it was one of those moments where you wished you hadn't lost your battery charger and that you weren't too poor to replace it... soon...it will be done... but so much has already been lost :(


second...asher

he is SO like me... i have been letting him watch harry potter but not all of it because it is too scary for a three year old... but i let him watch the parts that aren't so scary... like when they fly on the brooms... and after he gets done watching the movie he will get up and say, "I AM harry potter... where is my broom... i want to fly... etc etc" i think for him the most significant part of the movie is the flying ability :)... but it is just like me to want to become totally immersed... to somehow find the magical world... that is just fingertips away... you can see it... but you can't touch it... so you try to become it...

josh and i were flirting in the kitchen trying to intimidate each other in a very silly way... when josh stops and turns to asher standing on a kitchen chair and asks, "who is bigger? me? or mom?"... asher stops and thinks a little bit and then with his impish smile says "i am biggest!"... what a tease

he is growing up so much... he isn't so little anymore... it sort of makes me sad... really...

so sad... i do not have a camera for documentation

i finally have a moment to write... but i find that, in the end, i don't want to.  i want to go to sleep. so tired. always so tired. but these last few days have been fun and need to be documented.
on sunday, i took the kids and two stowaways, lorna and emma, to my aunt's house.  this particular aunt has been an adopted mom for me. in fact she is my mom's sister so it is pretty appropriate... i do have two adopted moms... both aunts that took care of me while i was single and going to school. love them.  actually, the interesting thing about the two is that they are both feisty aunts and my mom is the antithesis of feisty... she is a strong woman but she isn't feisty :)...
anyway, we get there and we talked a little bit and then she took us to go see the horses, dogs, steer and garden... asher was totally unafraid which was not remarkable to me , but to my aunt who had introduced children and animals before, found it to be really remarkable... asher just climbed right up on the horse's back and sat there just enjoying himself... i think it might not have frightened him because he was determined to be a cowboy just like woody... in fact, while he was sitting on top of the horse he said something like, "look! i am a cowboy! just like woody!"... the horse started moving around too much and asher had to come down because the horse didn't have a halter or a saddle... we then moved on to feed the steer and both asher and i were fascinated with the length and versatility of it's tongue... it just wrapped around the corn stalk asher was giving him and pulled it in... asher also got licked on the head... his facial expression was priceless... a mixture between shock, disgust and uncontrollable giggling... it was fun!
after feeding the steer we moved on to the dogs... there were three but aunt larita only let two of them out to play... one licked isaac and isaac started crying.... they both jumped on asher and asher loved it... he has had more time to adjust to dogs and animals thanks to grandma and grandpa skillicorn and uncle jimmy and aunt kristin :)

learning how to be mom

asher eating fruit at the park, oregon

recently, i have been thinking of my mothering responsibilities in terms of gardening and farming.  i think of the hard work i did growing up in my parents' garden and berry farm (i have yet to grow my own ).  the term, hard work,  is to be indicative of the rare occasions when i wasn't dancing, singing or playing and actually working.  in fact, because of one of those frolicking occasions, when i was not outside with the rest of the family, planting berries in the cold cold rain in the still semi frozen earth, i missed an epic conversation with my sisters.  it had something to do with worms, dinosaurs, and evolution.  i wasn't there, i only heard about it and saw the last sparks of contagious laughter in their eyes, so i may not give the details correctly.  all i remember is they had decided that the great tyrannosaurus rex had somehow evolved or devolved into a worm and that he was tired of it.  he was tired of being a wet, cold worm and so he was going to go back to the sea, to see if he couldn't evolve into something better.  i can see the now tiny tyrannosaurus rex shocked and dismayed at finding himself a worm, frustrated at being manhandled in the planting process... i can also see him inching his way back to the sea growling and lost in soliloquies of how he would once again rule the earth.  if you can't succeed try again, i guess.
i digress but only a little.

happy little man

Because i had been lost doing something i shouldn't have been doing, i missed a poignant funny moment and can only live it vicariously, wishing i had been there.   i don't want that to happen with my children.  i don't want to miss the sweet moments.  i want to be there for them even if it means i miss something else, like the latest greatest movie.  not that i have to sacrifice everything (there is a balance... the parenting balance beam). as a young child i learned the eternal truth of harvesting the fruit of your labor and now i know that what i give to my children will manifest itself later, just like a garden.  not that i or they will be perfect.  hopefully they won't be seriously flawed :)
but this is my work now. it is beautiful and rewarding.  it does require some sacrifice, but sacrifice will only bring blessings. when i play with my children, watch them grow, teach them good things then i am blessing my life and theirs. i am giving the good food (not literal but symbolically :) to grow and be strong and hopefully they will be equipped with good tools like the ability to change, to love, to be peaceful/hopeful even when they are served their lemons, knowing that they are children of God and that He loves them and that when they work with Him, lemons become lemonade :).

dogwood flowering at my parent's house in oregon

i do realize this post is a little preachy... i am not trying to preach to others but trying to write what i have learned and what i am trying to do... i am not there yet... but i do have ideals for myself :)... life is a personal journey and just because you are not doing what someone else is doing doesn't mean you are not performing well in life :)

walking with lorna quotes

lorna, my sister in law, hiding from the camera

the other day lorna and i went walking along the bonneville shoreline trail again.  i think, i think that the harder the walk is the less oxygen we have and the less oxygen we have the more we laugh.  we were laughing and having so much fun that a person (a man) slowed down just enough to comment on how much fun we were having.  he said, "you guys must be having a lot of fun!" at which point we both laughed and said, "yes." :)  i said yes because i had actually heard him, lorna was just smiling and nodding and wondering what he was doing!
so anyway... here are some quotes from our walk. i won't attribute them to anyone since i don't want anyone embarrassed :) and i am sorry if any of the words are offensive :)

why is that green!... oh, wait that's a lawn

poop!
TOUCH it!

bears, cougars or wedgies?
wedgies. they can really hurt. trust me. i had friend who gave me wedgies.

i don't smile when i wake up in the morning.

i love my butt.  i call it my buddha butt.

i once had a friend who called me brainless and her name was buttless

i do believe that was enough to make us laugh the whole walk...there may be other ones i will add later... my brain, being deprived of oxygen, can't remember them all :)

the bonneville shoreline trail runs along the base of these mountains

tired mothers

he isn't crying, he was giving us his barbaric yawp

the other day i was explaining to some friends why i am so tired.  i co sleep. while others co sleep well, we don't and recently it has become worse.  instead of waking up every two to three hours, isaac has been waking up every hour, at least.  needless to say i am exhausted.  on hearing this, one of my friends said i was a saint.  they obviously aren't around this house very often.  i am not a saint.  i am a tired and sometimes grouchy mom.  the hard thing about being a tired and a grouchy mom is that you can't put yourself in time out.  it would be nice to be able to put yourself in a corner somewhere and try to repair yourself, paste on a smile that won't come off, clear the fog in your brain but your children's needs are constant.  they need to be loved (if you want happy adult children).  they need to be played with (once again if you want happy adult children.)  they need to be fed, changed, potty trained (ugh, more like i need to be trained on how to train my child to potty train), they need to be put down for naps, listened to, sang and rhymed to.  i am not complaining,  i know those are my jobs (by myself when josh is gone), it was on the list of job qualifications when i decided to become a mom.  it would just be nice if there was... what is it that i would want... a magical traveling mom, like nanny mcphee or marry poppins... someone you could definitely trust... to come by and see the rings under your eyes... the obvious state of not being showered (really, showering should not feel like a luxury.)... and other signs and affirmations that this mother needs a time out... and this magical mother would say, sweetie take a deep breath and exhale you are doing just fine... go relax... have fun... rest... and i will take care of today for you.  but... and there is a but... my only problem with that is... while you may rest and rejuvenate and feel a bit better... in the back of your mind you can still hear, feel, and see your children and you are still worried and thinking about them... and a part of you will miss them while you are doing what you are doing... a part of you knows that this time is so precious and will be gone by the time you get 'back'
i know it is okay to take a nap and it is okay to take care of yourself so that you can take care of others but it is also okay to learn how to be strong and how to be a mom even when you are tired
balance... strategy... dancing... choosing... singing...

i loved the blue of the wall but asher wouldn't cooperate... all though i do love him too :)

in search of beauty

i find myself hungry and searching for beauty to satisfy my soul.
writing sometimes will capture that for me, sometimes a good book or movie will take the corners of my hunger away...talking to my sisters is like participating in a feast meant for a Greek goddess... my soul leaves feeling indulged, fat and rolling with beauty
the creation of beauty is... well... darn... i just remembered i was defrosting pork ribs... what a way to come back... sigh...i hope they are still cold!... yes... still cold...
hmmm... which leaves me in the conundrum of what to do... i need to start cooking them... but i don't want the noise to wake up my children... sigh... i will solve this problem too... i am strong enough and smart enough to know what to do :)
so, as i was saying... the creation of beauty...is soul satisfying too...
hmmm... kids woke up... they are my number one... soul satisfying creations :)

poetry

i would like to write but everything i want to write about may be too personal and more like a diary entry... i have a few of those stored up on my blog already... i love writing... i think i always have... i used to love writing poetry too... but have not tried it for some time... a teacher slew my desire for writing poetry ever again... rather easily i must say... just a few critical words was all it took... and i have been nursing my wounds ever since :)... it is time to be healed,  i suppose, but i don't even have the desire anymore... its more like i remember what it was like... i remember that i loved it... loved to feel the inspiration and words spilling out of me like a fountain... but i can't feel it anymore... its just sort of empty now... ah well... here are some lines of some of my favorite poetry

One Art by Elizabeth Bishop

The are of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent 

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day.  Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

.... (i like more of this poem but feel bad writing all of it)

Theodore Roethke 

The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.

I shall walk softly there,
and learn by going where I have to go

Elizabeth Barret Browning

from Sonnets from the Portuguese

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach...

....

I love thee to the level of everyday's 

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light...

...

and, if God choose, 

I shall love thee better after death

Dylan Thomas

Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

T.S. Eliot

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

Let us go then, you and I,

When the evening is spread out against the sky....
....

And indeed there will be time

To wonder, "do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"

Time to turn back and descend the stair....
....

Do I dare

Disturb the universe?

In a minute there is time

for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse....

these are not the complete poems of course... just the lines that for whatever reason inspire me the most...