tired mothers

he isn't crying, he was giving us his barbaric yawp

the other day i was explaining to some friends why i am so tired.  i co sleep. while others co sleep well, we don't and recently it has become worse.  instead of waking up every two to three hours, isaac has been waking up every hour, at least.  needless to say i am exhausted.  on hearing this, one of my friends said i was a saint.  they obviously aren't around this house very often.  i am not a saint.  i am a tired and sometimes grouchy mom.  the hard thing about being a tired and a grouchy mom is that you can't put yourself in time out.  it would be nice to be able to put yourself in a corner somewhere and try to repair yourself, paste on a smile that won't come off, clear the fog in your brain but your children's needs are constant.  they need to be loved (if you want happy adult children).  they need to be played with (once again if you want happy adult children.)  they need to be fed, changed, potty trained (ugh, more like i need to be trained on how to train my child to potty train), they need to be put down for naps, listened to, sang and rhymed to.  i am not complaining,  i know those are my jobs (by myself when josh is gone), it was on the list of job qualifications when i decided to become a mom.  it would just be nice if there was... what is it that i would want... a magical traveling mom, like nanny mcphee or marry poppins... someone you could definitely trust... to come by and see the rings under your eyes... the obvious state of not being showered (really, showering should not feel like a luxury.)... and other signs and affirmations that this mother needs a time out... and this magical mother would say, sweetie take a deep breath and exhale you are doing just fine... go relax... have fun... rest... and i will take care of today for you.  but... and there is a but... my only problem with that is... while you may rest and rejuvenate and feel a bit better... in the back of your mind you can still hear, feel, and see your children and you are still worried and thinking about them... and a part of you will miss them while you are doing what you are doing... a part of you knows that this time is so precious and will be gone by the time you get 'back'
i know it is okay to take a nap and it is okay to take care of yourself so that you can take care of others but it is also okay to learn how to be strong and how to be a mom even when you are tired
balance... strategy... dancing... choosing... singing...

i loved the blue of the wall but asher wouldn't cooperate... all though i do love him too :)

in search of beauty

i find myself hungry and searching for beauty to satisfy my soul.
writing sometimes will capture that for me, sometimes a good book or movie will take the corners of my hunger away...talking to my sisters is like participating in a feast meant for a Greek goddess... my soul leaves feeling indulged, fat and rolling with beauty
the creation of beauty is... well... darn... i just remembered i was defrosting pork ribs... what a way to come back... sigh...i hope they are still cold!... yes... still cold...
hmmm... which leaves me in the conundrum of what to do... i need to start cooking them... but i don't want the noise to wake up my children... sigh... i will solve this problem too... i am strong enough and smart enough to know what to do :)
so, as i was saying... the creation of beauty...is soul satisfying too...
hmmm... kids woke up... they are my number one... soul satisfying creations :)

poetry

i would like to write but everything i want to write about may be too personal and more like a diary entry... i have a few of those stored up on my blog already... i love writing... i think i always have... i used to love writing poetry too... but have not tried it for some time... a teacher slew my desire for writing poetry ever again... rather easily i must say... just a few critical words was all it took... and i have been nursing my wounds ever since :)... it is time to be healed,  i suppose, but i don't even have the desire anymore... its more like i remember what it was like... i remember that i loved it... loved to feel the inspiration and words spilling out of me like a fountain... but i can't feel it anymore... its just sort of empty now... ah well... here are some lines of some of my favorite poetry

One Art by Elizabeth Bishop

The are of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent 

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day.  Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

.... (i like more of this poem but feel bad writing all of it)

Theodore Roethke 

The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.

I shall walk softly there,
and learn by going where I have to go

Elizabeth Barret Browning

from Sonnets from the Portuguese

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach...

....

I love thee to the level of everyday's 

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light...

...

and, if God choose, 

I shall love thee better after death

Dylan Thomas

Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

T.S. Eliot

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

Let us go then, you and I,

When the evening is spread out against the sky....
....

And indeed there will be time

To wonder, "do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"

Time to turn back and descend the stair....
....

Do I dare

Disturb the universe?

In a minute there is time

for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse....

these are not the complete poems of course... just the lines that for whatever reason inspire me the most...

seriously need help!!!

why won't my writing go where i want it too! sometimes i write something and it doesn't go where i put it when i publish it!!!!! it looks fine in rough draft and then published it does whatever it wants!!! any suggestions?

baby mine

                                                                                  

baby mine don't you cry

baby mine dry your eye

rest your head close to my heart

never to part, baby of mine

little one when you play, don't you mind what they say

let those eyes sparkle and shine never a tear, baby of mine

                                                                          

if they knew sweet little you, they'd end up loving you too

all those same people who scold
you what they'd do just for the right to hold you

from your head to your toes, your not much goodness knows

but your so precious to me, cute as can be

baby of mine

this song is from
Disney's Dumbo
the part where Dumbo visits his mom in 'jail' and she holds him with her trunk and sings to him...
soooooo
sweet

strange how it changes

no i am not talking about my children... but my mood.
today, i didn't wake up particularly grumpy... i think i had a good morning... but somewhere between morning and afternoon i lost my mediocre cheerfulness ... like losing my keys or my credit card it was quite easy...
it may have been the tantrums i was piloting through... it may be that i have eaten gluten which i believe is turning my brain to fog... of course it is the lack of sleep also dimming my mental light bulb... i think it mostly had to do with me choosing to be grumpy and forgetting to pray... i was told once that my children would behave better and i would know what to do to help my children if i prayed...so i tried it... and it worked. i hate when i forget to pray. it makes such a huge difference... but there is always tomorrow (according to scarlett)...i love waking up after a bad day feeling better and more able to keep the smile and feeling the love you know you have inside of you... maybe an angel pushes the reset button and suddenly everything feels more achievable... there is no desire to be and remain a grump (i did want to be a grump today, there was a little part of me enjoying my grumpiness... sheesh... now that i think about it... i can see the little old grumpy pants inside of me dancing around throwing a party...once again proving that i chose to be grumpy because... darn it all... it is fun to throw a tantrum now and then)
yesterday, i was blithe and giddy... exercising again (for me it was hard core stuff)... back in the mountains again  (i LOVE nature)... with someone (lorna) i could laugh with (although it seems she may not have been around crazy people like me very often... she kept saying... you're weird... if she only knew... the many times i have danced barefoot in my lawn ... in the rain or during a thunderstorm... listening to enya... how many times i have just ran around for the pure joy of it... only somewhat cognitive of the fact that yes i am embracing my freedom with unadulterated joy but i am also not acting according to societal norms)... anyway the hike was fun... it was great! i loved, loved, loved it!
i do believe my children can fit under this headline topic... so i will squeeze them behind my feelings of morbid volatile grumpiness and enthusiastic merriment

today, i learned an important no. no. you cannot let your toddler eat a Popsicle while you cut their hair... i thought it would be a distraction and would allay asher's tears... instead he just screamed, with tears, it was sincere, the whole time (no neighbor i am not killing my child... just cutting his hair... and the other time you heard him screaming... well... that was bath time). the hair got in his Popsicle thus rendering the Popsicle inedible. we gave him another one since it was my fault... luckily, josh came home in time to save both asher and i from the cliffs of insanity...asher was almost hysterical and any hint of geniality had locked itself up safely in the closet... i don't know what will happen the next time i try to cut his hair... so far it hasn't been a good experience for anyone... it is interesting to contrast this hair cut scene with the sweetness of yesterday... asher woke up from his nap and came and cuddled on the couch with me... i told him, "i loved him" and then he said, "i love you mom, but i have to get away" (he was teasing me because i may or may not have been tickling him while he cuddled with me)... at which point i really started tickling him and we woke up isaac with our laughter (well, mostly asher's laughter woke up isaac)...
isaac has entered a new stage of life... his favorite things to do are roll cars on the ground... roll cars on anything he can climb up or stand up with one hand... the other hand is, of course, used for rolling the car. for you or me it is easy but it takes a lot of concentration for isaac... sometimes he throws the car on top of the thing he wants to stand by and then tries to climb up too... usually, the car he has thrown up falls and he has to try again or i cave and help.  he also likes to do anything asher is doing. but asher does not always agree with him, not wanting to share the toys he is playing with... another favorite of isaac's is crawling to the couch or a box and pulling himself up to a standing position and then he bobs up and down, smiling and humming... so proud of himself for having accomplished this major feat... as if he had conquered mount McKinley or something equally important. the thing i love most is that he is very very cuddly... sometimes he will crawl over to me so that i can snuggle and hold him... he will also crawl around and find random pacifiers on the floor and stick them in his mouth but he will NOT take one when he is upset... it is as if he is saying... i know what you are trying to do... you are trying to artificially comfort me and i won't have it... i want the real thing!!!!
both of my boys are so beautiful and i feel very blessed... even on days like this... blessed that i have these two angels in my home...they are both so sweet and attentive
(asher asked me (after i told him i was grumpy) "why are you grumpy?" and then "you need to stop being grumpy" which he said pleasantly and matter of factly :)

explanation

i didn't actually write all these blogs today...

i write them when i can but don't always finish and when that happens i just post them when i can...