beautiful ladies with beautiful mothers

i took these pictures when i went to oregon for my sister's graduation... the curly haired girl is my sister... all the other young girls are my sister's daughters... i am the only one in my family (that has had children so far) not to be blessed with a girl yet... maybe later :)... my sisters have been a source of inspiration for me... each of them have plowed through their trials and sorrows and as a result have grown beautiful hearts and beautiful children 

what i love best about my sisters is their thirst for beauty, knowledge, progress and creation...

they inspire me to do and be more... all of us have a hunger to change...we all feel how vital it is to look inward and see what is good and see what is unhealthy... and change it... fix it... not weeping for the burden of guilt, not bullying or beating ourselves up... but looking honestly... searching for why we do what we do and changing where changes need to be made...it is hard to look and see what is admirable and pat ourselves on our back.  maybe even equally hard is to see what needs to be changed... so much easier to ignore and justify our actions... but i believe it is so vital to be candid with ourselves and searching always for..." good better best... never rest till good be better and better best" (thank you mother goose)

my sisters have been brave and strong... all of them stepping out of their comfort zone and not only creating lovely families but creating beauty, intelligence and strength also... amongst my sisters accomplishments are: four houses designed and built with their husbands.  literally, they mixed the cement and built the walls... etc etc..  two of my sisters built two houses each.  one has two published books ("Falling for Rapunzel" and "Waking Beauty"...) ...  another sister and her husband are producing artistic gymnastic performances for little children (they feel the competition is unhealthy and the rules stifling to true artistic merit) so they changed from competition to performance... i haven't seen them yet... but i have heard about what they are doing... my sister made one skit about pregnant women doing gymnastics (the girls just used pillows).... they are all good cooks and love to experiment... maybe not all the experiments come out well... but it takes a certain courage and fortitude to tackle the unknown when you are cooking, this, not star trek, is the last frontier.  proof being that captain kirk will frequent our kitchens in between his alien adventures... for something more culinary...

another sister is a cake decorator who is coming into her own (watch out cake boss... soon you will have a 4'11 artistic fireball to contend with)... there is a marathon runner (the plan is to run a marathon together one day as a family)... and  a painter whose art i would love to have on all of my walls (in fact, i have one on my wall right now... i love it because it makes me feel so peaceful)... all of them writers (one day we may be as famous as the Bronte sisters :)...all of them physically active... gardeners (I personally LOVE gardening and think there it is a place of expression, learning, growth and achievement and bonding with nature)and hard workers ...  piano, singing, and acting... sowing their own wardrobes and prom dresses for sisters and daughters and friends... and all of them have that soft and gentle exterior and heart (don't be fooled they are as strong as anybody or anything)

for me, they change the name of a stay at home mom... a stay at home mom is not merely a person who stays at home and slowly goes crazy trying to keep the hard pace of cleaning and teaching and loving their children... but they are creators... they are leaders... we show our children (the future) who they are and what they are capable of  being by expanding our own talents, by everything we do and create... whether it is art you hang on your wall, or the studying and progressing you make, or the service or smile you give to another...  being a stay at home mother isn't limited to insanity :)... but expands to infinite possibilities(not only the ideas that I mentioned) while you teach your children to love themselves, to love others, and to love God.

on love... my husbands love

i love joshua. our marriage, like all marriages, isn't perfect, but he is kind and gentle. he is an anchor for the turbulent waters i frequently float my boat in, the life saver thrown aptly to a flailing swimmer.  he is a solid, safe haven for me. my sister, lynaea, says her husband is a tall, strong oak tree in which she can find shelter, strength and shade... i like that analogy for joshua too... but it is already taken :).... josh is more then a staying power, flotation device, or tree in my life though.  josh is very, very, very intelligent, proof being that he married me :).

 he loves, loves, loves to play with his children and will do it as often as he can. he will even, occasionally, change a poopy diaper when he happens to be at home and the diaper happens to be poopy.  he does have some minor flaws like limited cooking skills... the dishes he knows how to cook being macaroni and cheese and hot dogs, hot dogs, tuna melts, baked potatoes, and...well... he claims he knows more but i am not sure what they are :)... he made the macaroni and hot dogs for me right after we got married and i got sick!!! i thought it was morning sickness but it wasn't... thank goodness i have only been right about being pregnant twice... if i had been right every time i would have had a family of 100 by now!... speaking of josh... he just came home and brought my purse in... i had left it on our stroller outside... which brings me to another admirable quality of his, he only slightly and sometimes teases me :)... in an attempt to not make him too perfect, but not stain his admirable qualities too, i will share a light hearted anecdote about joshua...josh does not care about clothing and appearances too much at all.  in fact, when we first got married he would occasionally dress to embarrass me or make me laugh.  one day he and his brother, willie, bought matching camo shorts from wal mart and on the way out josh started putting them on over his clothing.  not knowing how to appreciate the humor of the moment, i rolled my eyes, blushed to that bright cherry red i detest feeling on my face and muttered or yelped, i can't remember which, "josh!'... at the exact moment a man walked by and said, " i can't control my children either!' enough said.

i just finished watching, "the young victoria"... not to romanticize my marriage too much (but i will anyway)... i felt that joshua was mirrored in prince albert (his last mirror was the virginian) ... albert's continual belief and support in victoria is similar to how josh believes in and supports me.  albert wrote to her... like you said, you are stronger than you look (paraphrased).  josh has encouraged me with words very like those, most beautifully after i gave birth to our second son.

like queen victoria, i find myself wanting to ensure that no one crunches my toes while walking on my feet or exerts control in any way (real or imaginary) since i spent a majority of my life impersonating a door mat or mushy fruit, allowing myself to be a victim (be careful, i have known some door mats to bite and mushy fruit isn't really sweet :) so, albert becomes the oil in her water, the anchor, the arms of safety, a tree to lean on, a foundation to build, a life to share together.

i know it is a movie and as such may not have been totally realistic and to believe josh and i are exactly like the people portrayed in a movie is asking for a lot of romantic dreams to be quashed...any dreams based on perfection will eventually fail... we are all too human and imperfect... it used to crush me so when things didn't work the way i imagined them. but i have learned, since my youthful days, to enjoy the real as much as the dream... josh is real. he isn't a dream. i wouldn't trade him for anything with all his perfections and imperfections. how i missed him while i was in oregon. when we cuddled that night (yes cuddling) i felt the flooring in my soul return to its proper place, a foundation rebuilt. i was safe again. i know to rely on another so much isn't safe or wise. eventually, i would like to build a stronger foundation based on other things too,but who better to do it with than someone who believes in you and shares the tools to do it.

provo houses

i dream of owning a house someday.  one with an expansive lawn and gardens.  maybe even a ranch where i can race on a horse across the prairie, the world rolling and tumbling by below my feet... the view before me endless blue sky and mountains stretching their arms to the heavens and across the land.  Or perhaps, a stone cottage by the sea where every morning i will wake and smell the salt and roses in the air (roses from my garden of course)... 

the most important aspects of my house will be... a place for the children to play inside and outside, a place for me to dance freely without inhibitions ( i have always thought a room is too crowded with stuff if it cannot be danced in), a place for josh to do his computer thing of course and any other hobby he wishes to pursue :) (i read this to josh and he asked for a secret lair :) a large kitchen for good meals to be made and eaten, a room for quiet and solitude, another for music and books... maybe even art if i ever become brave enough or if any of my children have the passion and desire.  the colors will be soft and enticing, cool and warm... blues and greens with accents of reds, yellows or any other harmonious vibrant color (josh asked for glow in the dark :)  the outside of my home will be carpeted in green grass and moss... the kind of lawn bare feet are grateful for...

 flowers and fruit trees (nectarines most especially), vegetable gardens where the spiders can grow large and fat (josh can get rid of them) (i remember them from my parents gardens... large and exotic looking, striped black and white...i never made friends with them though... they were too large for my childish imagination) and of course a berry patch... i love picking blueberries... something so satisfying in the way they roll in your fingers... something that reassures the ocd in me, hunting down the ripe berries and leaving the unripe behind for another wild tangle... i may or may not indulge my taste buds as i pick them :) or i may eat them after an early morning run... something so fresh and wonderful about a good run and then eating sun ripe, dew dripping berries first thing in the morning...  i will mow my lawns in perfect straight lines (i love mowing straight lines!!!... i have a life theory from mowing straight lines... straight lines are almost impossible... too many bumps and etc throw the wheels off their perfect course... but it is ok... just look behind you... see where you went of course... think about how you will fix it... and then do it ) i won't be too picky about which directions my lines go as long as they are good lines! maybe even circles... occasionally i may even make a maze to play cat and mouse in with my children.  after all i can just mow it again and make it nice for the neighbors later )

and there will be animals... horses... a milk cow (i am not sure who will milk it, i have never milked a cow)... chickens (if i can tolerate them)... dogs and cats (they WILL get a long :)... 

last, but not least... i want my home to be comfortable... i want people to enter and feel a sigh of relief sooth their souls... i want them to be able to feel that this is a home away from home... you can relax here, talk here about anything, find safety and comfort here, healing, quiet and joy, to feel the happiness of the noise and exuberance and love of family and friends, i want them to be able to feel love... God's love, my love, and my families love and leave feeling warmed by that love and my berry or pumpkin pie

they really are sleeping

my children really are sleeping right now. both. at the same time.  this day has been long in coming.  usually isaac is tired, but asher isn't and he won't be quiet in his bedroom for quiet time while i try to put isaac to sleep... thus... neither of my children nap.  sometimes, asher is sleepy but isaac won't sleep (although he is sleepy!). so, then asher is roused from his slumbers.   i thought kids were supposed to get used to noise and sleep through it. not mine!

it is raining today, i love the rain.  i love how it drums lightly on the pavement and housetops.  the earth smells clean and fresh... washed and new. to me, there is something spiritual about cleanliness.  imagine not bathing for days (and maybe not sleeping... seen all too often here :) and then finally, stepping into the shower and cleaning the smells, the dirt and oils, the tiredness from your body.  it feels so good!  i believe our souls feel like that sometimes... they start feeling heavy and laden, broken and maybe stinky :) and they just want to be clean again.  I feel most spiritually clean when i am trying to be like the Savior, when i am grateful, or have been touched by the Spirit.

(this cloud is deceiving (speaking of rain and cleanliness)... i saw it... it was the only one in the sky... and i thought, no rain today... and then... it rained... in the afternoon)

i watched and he slept

at this very moment i am home alone with my second child, isaac.  he has finally been able to take a decent nap... i believe i may attribute his lack of being able to sleep to his noisy older brother, since said older brother is gone... and isaac has managed to stay asleep for two whole hours... you would think isaac would be accustomed to sleeping through the noise, but no... he will not oblige ...

so, of course, i have taken good advantage of this time and cleaned myself and my house... ha ha! right... no... i watched a movie... vanity fair... well, at least i tried to watch it but they kept trying to show me people's bums and etc... and i didn't want to see them... so i gave up and watched the finish... interestingly enough... i cried...i didn't have to watch the whole thing to effectively cry for the heroine at the end... i may take that up and start watching just the beginning and end of a movie... if it gives the same effect and it wastes less of my time then i might as well :)... it could be that Reese is a good actress too... maybe that is why the end was still believable without watching the whole thing... i also know a little bit about the story because i have skimmed through the book...i skimmed the book because somebody told me the story...and i didn't want to get too involved in a book that ends tragically... i, unfortunately, don't just read books or just watch a movie... i have to live the experience with my characters... step into the world and sometimes even their shoes... i cried for days after watching The Phantom of the Opera, tried desperately to be funny like the characters in Ocean's Eleven and Twelve... still trying in fact... weeped inconsolably and wished for powers i did not have when i saw Hotel Rwanda ... searched desperately for platform 9 and 3/4   after seeing Harry Potter... demanded the Second Coming begin when i saw 2012... where are those producers anyway... the list goes on and so do my tears and multiple personalties resulting from watching movies and reading books

hmmmmm.... as in release the stress!

life, it isn't easy for anyone...it is hard for everyone... but... it can be so beautiful... in between loosing my brain years ago and the credit card at the store today... are little clips of beauty... smiles from my children... a husband who loves me and respects me... sleeping through the night (yes... it is beautiful)...hugs and giggles... good movies... good food (especially when shared with someone else)... brief visits with friends and family... well...

my parents came down to utah in a whirlwind trip... it is always a whirlwind trip when they come down... i am lucky enough to have siblings and aunts and uncles and grandchildren with which i have to share my parents (really, lynaea shared with us because it was her daughter's graduation)... sometimes it feels like "Horton Hears A Who" with only so many minutes allotted to everyone "i got an A on my whostory test!"... sadly, it is one of the only times i do see the afore mentioned people too! so, although i have to share (like sharing a good ice cream cup (two spoons) with a best friend ... it is good... good to see family, good to talk for hours and hours about really important stuff... like respect... and what it really means to us (lynaea prompted me to believe that even children deserve our respect)...and the atonement (we all need it)... and what my children do and say(today, asher was a super airplane and isaac tried to eat everything on the floor... again)... and what i do and say (that is when the uncomfortable silences begin)...and parenting... and well...

the list goes on and on...we talk about most everything except pebbles and liquid (josh has a conversation starter on his ipod... and those were the suggestions! what silliness!)

we did watch Pirates of Penzance! how i love that movie! i finally found a few other people... mostly nola... a little michealynn... who will laugh and laugh until it hurts, with me... not many will submit to the humiliation of actually acknowledging the humor in that musical... but i love it!
sadly, i have no pictures to show in this post that are relevant to my experiences.... i may  post a few...to give people something to look at... well, i did post a few... but they pertain to a different sunny day that wasn't as strenuous...


side note: it was so beautiful i just had to share, although it will feel like preaching :)
my sister lynaea said, remember when you make a mistake, how nice it is when you are forgiven, how nice it is when someone puts their arms around you and treats you with respect still... even though you have just done something stupid, silly or bad... remember how much easier it is to pick yourself back up and feel good about yourself and life when it isn't made into the end of the world... imagine, your children now and how much they would appreciate your respect even though they make mistakes too, none of which will end the world... how much more loved they will feel when they are forgiven easily and lovingly... end of quote that wasn't really a quote but a summarization because i can't remember the exact words :)
at least that is what i, andy, felt and heard when she said something a lot more concise... but it spoke these words to my heart

what we saw on our walk

these pictures were from yesterday, but i really don't have much to say about that day... it was a beautiful day and i did get a good work out while spending time with my children... which was nice... and later josh, asher, isaac and i all went to another park where josh and asher played soccer and i took more pictures of everyone! possibly to be posted later!

today, we went on a walk again...  decided to live outside today... i climbed another hill... worked those muscles again, reminding them of what oxygen feels like... took a stop at the duck pond and lost isaac's binky (pacifier). i hope the ducks can put it to good use and that some unsuspecting mom does not find it in her toddler's mouth! we then climbed the infamous byu stairs, ran down a hill, built a fort under a tree (dirt of course) climbed said tree (well asher did... it was his first tree climbing experience... i was REALLY wishing i had my camera!), and then found a broken blue robin egg! it was beautiful! and i believe the baby was safe somewhere up in the tree...thus, leading to asher's first attempt at climbing a tree...
 we then ended our day by racing back to the stroller (asher won of course) and then i limped off, pushing the stroller to jdawgs for some gourmet hot dogs... i know know... gourmet and hot dog go together like toddler and clean house!... but it was a gourmet hot dog! the most daring hot dog i have ever eaten... with a special sauce, banana peppers and onions... i could have been even more adventurous and eaten sauerkraut and jalapeños or pickles on it too!  so really, it was a moderate hot dog on the bravery scale!....

 after we bought the hot dogs, we walked back to the park to eat them... on the way there buzz lightyear, no longer in the grasp of my sons hands (replaced by a hot dog), hung precariously between the canvas bar and the drink holder bar (good description right?) his arms and wings outstretched and ready for flight... he made several attempts to escape until finally we stowed him away under the stroller, where he made one more attempt at freedom (he must have seen the commercials for toy story 3)... later, after our hot dog eating was done, we tried to clean up with one wipe... there is only so much bbq sauce and mustard and ketchup one wipe can clean up!

  i am afraid asher went home with a messy face... i haven't looked at my face recently... not since this morning... who has the time to look! with kids at home! :)... so, i suppose i could have my fair share of bbq/special sauce on my face... on a different note i have discovered, through sad experience, that one should never get in an argument with food on their face... it really diminishes your believability (not the word i am looking for)... but that is a past story that involves chocolate... a little girl bravely singing "i am not afraid of anything" while swinging as vigorously as she could... and some random woman asking her to stop... it wasn't really an argument... more of an intervention :)

(i did leave out a few details of this walk... namely: the many times i   had to persuade my child not to jump into the duck pond, to not get closer to the hissing mother duck, to leave the sleeping baby ducks alone, to come back to the stroller so we could go home, to not throw the big rocks because then you get yucky poopy pond water on you and me... isaac slipping through my arms as i try to restrain or help asher to do something... etc etc.... sure there is joy with parenthood but it only comes after the hard work!) :)







well... here are the rest of the pics... just randomly posted from yesterday... today's conversation being from our walk today