A little boy, his balloon and Heavenly Father

several months ago i bought asher and isaac a balloon each at the BYU creamery. when we got home we opened the car door and there was a gush of wind that blew the balloon away before we could think to grab the string and keep it safe... asher was devastated (it was his balloon that escaped)... we watched the balloon fly away through the clouds and out of sight... i sort of beautiful picture actually... other then the fact that my son was in tears...in order to comfort him we talked about how the balloon was safe (he was worried about it) and going to heaven, Heavenly Father would take care of it and keep it safe... we were very unaware of the problems this would create later :)
since the incident, there have been several conversations about this balloon... and several accusations that Heavenly Father took his balloon away from him... which has caused some concern for me (but i am not overly worried)... i don't want asher to believe in the sort of God that would take a balloon away from a little boy and keep it from him although the little boy wanted it back... i would rather that he believed in a God that would keep the balloon safe and would give him the balloon later when Asher (after a LONG life) returned home...
today, asher said something like this, "Heavenly Father has my balloon... i am going to fly up there and get that balloon back from him... where are my wings? i need wings to get there... does Heavenly Father have my wings? do you have my wings mom?"
all though these questions cause some moments of reflection (and some effort not to smile)... on how to best answer my children... a simple but complex moment... i have to smile at the sweetness and innocence of my child...
i tried to explain one more time that Heavenly Father had not taken the balloon that the wind had carried it away and the if he wanted ... at a later time... he could talk to Heavenly Father about this balloon and that maybe Heavenly Father would keep it safe for him until he got there to get it back :)

i am very aware the picture has nothing to do with the story... but... it is a picture :)

when my children were born

the other day, someone asked me how i felt when i first saw my newborn child being held by my husband (she was referring to the moment right after birth)... i thought back on the occasion and to be honest i don't remember my husband and child together as a clear distinct picture.  so much was happening right before and right after my children were born that that memory is wrapped up in a complete and whole picture of us: josh, the newborn child and me.  Not a jigsaw puzzle pieced together but one whole, glowing and alive moment. we were a newly growing family, i had love in my heart plus the extra Heavenly Father gives as a gift on these occasions.  what my mind and heart remember most about this particular moment is the overpowering feeling of love for my family... just newly grown... and a knowledge that these past 9/10 months were so very, very, very worth it... all the morning sickness for the whole nine months, crippling pain, weight gain, HAVING to eat so you don't get sick... sort of a slave to eating really..., lack of sleep, tossing and turning, braxton hicks that are almost labor, the labor pains themselves... excruciating pain... all of it... every last minute was worth it and would be done again as promptly as possible just to have this experience again... but, to me, this moment is like faith something felt but not seen.  both my first and second babies i would tell myself... this is worth it, as i vomit into another bowl... at the end of this i will have my baby, as i wake up in the middle night having to eat or suffer the consequences of morning sickness... it will be worth it as i fall out of bed unable to walk from the pain in my back... but i did not feel it until the second it was all done... after the last anxious and excruciating push... and this little body... this little person i have been sacrificing everything for and waiting for so anxiously ....wondering about who they were and what they would look like... finally emerges, the pressure and pain is suddenly gone and i see and hold them in my arms... it is a miraculous moment... where i finally know what my heart and mind had been trying to tell me all along... this child was worth it

asher asleep

i still have moments like these... most often at night when my little children are sleeping... and not because i am finally free because they are sleeping... it's because when i look at them and see them... really see them..... and all the fire that glows under their skin (their vast potential/energy and love of life)... i see the sweetness of their natures... their perfect purity and innocence... i am filled with an unspeakable love and joy and feel so blessed to have angels in my home... and i often think over the day and either rejoice that i was a good mother that day... or a sense of sadness comes over me... realizing i missed it...that my day with angels had been split up between chores, the computer and whatever other distraction i could find... and i fervently say to myself... tomorrow i will love them better
in the end i feel grateful for the Savior who makes weak things stronger...me....

isaac asleep

this morning

this morning i lay awake thinking... just thinking about... stuff... and then i thought... i want to write... so here i am... josh is taking care of and watching the boys... all though i should be getting ready to go to aunt larita's so we can ride horses... so much the procrastinator...
first, i was thinking about this blog and wondering who reads it... i know there are family and friends who read it and that is pleasing... but are there people who accidentally find themselves here and when they do are they glad they found themselves in this place... or do they leave as quickly as propriety will allow... which after all is just a click of the mouse... my thoughts were brought to this question because another friend of mine said that it is important to have a blog so that literary people can read it and then publish your book.... so then i thought of the absolute crazy assumption that 'other' people would actually read this 'stuff' ... and i thought... maybe i should perfect what i write... i don't do too many rough drafts... i am aware that my writing is flawed... but it would take weeks to make it perfect so i just write and slop it on :)... i can't decide how i feel about 'other' people reading my 'stuff' but then... it is on the internet... what was i expecting... not to be found accidentally or purposely.
(asher just came up to me with the big costco box of fruit snacks... mom can i have a fruit snack?... so funny!)
my other blog conundrum thought process went this way...
funny that i started this blog for the sole purpose of being able to write politics and religion without offending anybody... after all this is my little corner where i can raise my voice without worrying about offending people... if they come here they deserve to hear it :).... i was becoming too political and religious on my facebook and had heard some rumblings about people not wanting to hear that sort of thing... the funny thing is that i haven't stopped my political and religious sharing on facebook... but i don't really get too religious or political here... i keep closer to my family... a sort of diary of what we do and how i feel... which is hard for me, to mix sometimes how i feel and what i am doing together on the same post... somehow i find they are in separate compartments that only mingle when ordered to and only stubbornly even then.

the clean pond and waterfall

i have my camera again and asher is begging me to stop taking pictures

today, was a good day.

i went for a walk with my boys early this afternoon, rather then later like i normally do, because i keep dilly dallying and losing track of time and chores.

the air was cool, the wind was fresh, the rain was delightful with only an occasional drop, nothing that drenched us.

i don't know if you can see it but the disturbance on the water is rain

the boys were smiling and laughing...

 all though i had to take isaac's shoes off to illicit a smile from him... he does not like his shoes at all... but socks are intriguing and all right.

we went to the 'clean' water park and asher and isaac both chased the ducks... asher exuberantly and isaac determinedly

but we had to leave early because asher was drenched but he did not throw a tantrum or resist...

he went rather willingly

asher wore my sweater and these blankets home

little moments

life seems to be made up of all sorts of moments...moments when you think you just might be going crazy, driven there by your child swinging from the walls, the chairs, the grocery shopping cart your own personal little monkey... occasions when your children are blessed little angels snuggling so close to you with their warm little bodies.... all the love in the world wrapped up in their sweet hugs... days when you realize that your house will never stay clean no matter how many times you clean and re-clean it... weeks when your day to day rush of living leaves you gasping for air, in a current you just can't stop, time waits for no one (this is when the house gets messiest :)... and there are times i wish i could package the events of the day... in my very best wrapping paper... and save it forever...and never forget how precious and wonderful, sweet and perfect (despite all the imperfections) it really is... yesterday, was just such a day for me

we tried going on a walk to the park and when we arrived we realized we couldn't play there because all the toys would be too too too hot :)... so, we went to the dirty duck park instead of the clean one because it was closer and we were running out of time...

see how green and dirty the water looks!

when we arrived, I  set asher free from the confines of his stroller... he immediately ran over to the only other people that happened to be there... a young man and his... wife?... sister?, i wasn't sure but he had a protective air about him.  She was severely crippled and hobbling around on one brace trying to feed the ducks and enjoy nature.  it was a reminder to me to be grateful... to be kind...to marvel at the tenacity and endurance of the human spirit. They were warm and kind and shared their food for the ducks with asher (corn chips)... it was a beautiful moment but a part of me felt awkward despite this couple's kindness. asher is so unafraid of people when we are at the park... so willing to go up to them and figuratively embrace them... sometimes literally as in the case of the runners around the byu race track... while i love that he is so unafraid and so willing to love others, i, as mother, am lingering around my child while the strangers try to appropriately respond to this precocious child... if they knew asher it wouldn't be so awkward i am sure... part of my insecurity is that i don't know how long i should allow asher to linger and when we should say, thank you and move on to do our own thing... after all, our fellow park goers did not go there to play with asher but have their own agenda and things to talk about while there.  i was grateful in the end that they were generous and sweet and shared with asher their smiles, their generosity and their corn chips.

next, asher, isaac and i moved up the stairs and found a little patch of grass where i could put isaac down (he later wondered off and found some bushes with two to three inch thorns... luckily, he hadn't tried to hold them yet) i then chased asher in a game of tag while isaac watched... sometimes laughing.... sometimes oblivious and doing his own discoveries and sometimes i could see a longing to join in the fun (walk baby walk!)... This fun only lasted a few moments.  Asher's attention span will only last so long, especially when just few feet away from our playing were some sprinklers... it only took a few minutes of playing and maneuvering for asher to realize that he could control the direction of the sprinkler... while i was encouraging him to stop and desist from this fascinating activity... i heard yelping and screaming... i looked up the hill and realized asher was soaking two coed girls coming home from classes... i hadn't realized how far the sprinkler could go... before we left asher sprinkled one other coed and a man in a nice dress suit... after this last incident it was time to employ some discipline and remove my child from the situation.  So back down the stairs to the stroller we went (oh and did i mention... on the way up the stairs some one randomly turned around after they passed us to casually remark on how cute my children were... that is only because he hadn't been sprayed with the sprinkler :) :) )...  on the way back down... we came across the byu construction crew rebuilding a creek bed, waterfall, and brick path... asher, with his usual lack of fear, walked straight up to the young men and started grilling them on what was going on! ( i will write the questions down... i can't remember the order or how often he repeated the same question...)

"what are you guys doing?"

"are you working hard?"

"where is the tractor?"

"is it tired?"

"what is that pile of dirt doing"

"what are those bricks doing" (this is his funniest way of asking things... what are those mountains doing, mom? or what is that store doing?... things like that)

their first response was shock and reserve... then smiles and nods as they tried to respond and translate my three year old's jabber... then actual answers :)...

later, the boss of these young men came over and let asher work with the guys (they had to re do what asher did and even some of what they did because asher was not careful enough to avoid the smooth dirt and walked right through it! :)... but asher loved it and they didn't seem to mind but seemed (so hard to tell) to be enjoying the moment too!

while asher was working, he said...

"this is hard work!"

"i love working with tools and dirt!"

"i love hard work!" (i hope that lasts!)

their boss took pictures of asher and then sent one to me so that i could have proof that my son worked for byu... he told us we could use it for later when we tried to get asher into byu... he was just a genuinely sweet man... which made a good day even better... i felt enhanced... uplifted... encouraged by the generosity of the people around us... making a fun day with my children, beautiful... one that i wish to remember forever... it could have been a hard day after all... chasing asher away from the sprinklers and keeping him safe by my side... but instead it was nice... pleasant... beautiful... amplified by the interactions of really good people who were generous, kind and accepting of my sons forward nature :)

these pictures were not taken the day of this walk

twighlight

the other day, as i was nursing my son to sleep, i allowed my thoughts to drift, float and meander until they came upon the absurd little word... twighlight... why? why would they spell it that way? wouldn't it make more sense to spell it twilight ...and i began to wonder about the origins of the word... and i thought maybe it was supposed to be like twiglight... like the shade under the branches (twigs) of the tree... darker... a place where shadows play in the light...i then conjured my favorite picture of twilight...

one that makes me think of trees... rolling hills adorned in long golden grass with tall pine trees... dark against the burning sky...dark...yet soft and velvety, like lace... the sort of place a horse and rider could romantically, if not realistically, gallop across in a sudden bid for freedom...  all of these pictures and ideas combined in my head only to emerge as irrefutable proof that yes, it was twiglight not twilight...
but...don't worry reader... i talked to josh and he corrected my REALLY bad spelling... it is twilight and not twighlight...

josh was really surprised i would write something like this about myself... if it is humorous at all to anyone then i don't mind exposing my silliness :)