Coping

I guess I feel the need to ask myself why I am here and not somewhere else.  Mostly, because my plans for today did not involve being here.  They involved being other places and doing other things.  Like cleaning.  Instead, I am here and I am teetering between feeling guilt and just enjoying the beauty.  Beauty?  I've been reading my sister's blog.  I am always filled with a sense of my soul being satisfied.... and then wanting more.  I want to be surrounded in beauty and I want to create beauty.... and so, here I am.  Creation is a need, we all need to create.

Lately, I've been on a journey.  A small one.  But not a new one.  I've been on this path before, but in a different place and at a different time.  Recently, I invited Jillian Michaels into my home, via a workout DVD.  Her personality is so big that it does literally feel like she has become a part of my life.  Sadly, an almost negative part of my life.  I almost feel compelled to workout everyday and eat healthy and if I don't, I feel like I may just be overweight and unhealthy for the rest of my life... and yet I can't blame a DVD persona for lacing my life with guilt and making me work out.  But I also know that I am the one who bought the DVD because I wanted to make a change.  I am the one who turns it on in the morning and pushes myself to becoming more able to work hard.

I love the feeling of pushing my body to painful limits and winning small victories.  To me, it isn't just about working out and being skinny, it's about accomplishing the impossible, it's about saying: I CAN!  I can do ANYTHING and I have Proof.  It isn't about regretting the moment but celebrating it, celebrating strength and enjoying the energy that helps you to accomplish even more.

Sometimes I wonder if it can be that simple.  I choose Joy.  I will release, like water off my back (let's pretend I'm a duck, so the water can really just slide off).  Maybe a balloon is more fitting.... I will let it go, like a balloon thrown into the air.  I will release guilt.  I will release fear.  I will release anger and self loathing. Why should I hold onto the negative emotions?  How do they help me grow?  How do they help me create? I probably won't do this perfectly.  I probably will need to practice.  But I think I see a little more clearly.

Working Out with Jillian

Welcome to my home, sorry it's a little messy.  I'm sure you're used to something a little different, posh and clean perhaps?  Thank you for coming, I really appreciate it!  After 3 pregnancies and 50lbs gained each time, I could really use a good work out!  We should probably start soon though, because when the kids finish eating they'll want to crawl all over me.  It's reflexive. Oh, hey look!  Mom's exercising again.  Attack!

I hope you don't mind, but... this music it's not doing it for me, do you have anything else that's actually fun to listen too?  Nope, well all right.  I guess it keeps the beat, right?

Do I need shoes too?  I was thinking of going barefoot.

All right, ready begin.

Hey look kids, Mom's doing a windmill with her arms.  What does this work anyway?  Right, my abs, and my arms, and my lungs.  And now jump rope, hug myself engaging the core?, cross over kicks and jumping jacks.  Ha! yeah, right jumping jacks... remember how I just had a baby?  I need something to strap everything down!

Blah, blah, blah.  Whatever, I'm exercising so I can go eat pizza.  Don't you guilt me into not eating pizza, it's not going to ruin the next hour if I eat one slice of pizza!

And that was just the warm up?  yikes!

Uhm.  Just a moment, can we pause here?  Asher and Isaac are starting all out warfare over a transformer toy.  It's Cliffjumper again.  Gotta go play referee, I'll be right back.

What! We're going to start this with herpes... or bur-pees? Whatever.  Wow.  There's all the high school humiliation coming back to me. It's like I can smell dirty old gym right now.  Jump into plank. Pull the legs up one at a time.  Jump up.  Jump to the side.  And again.  And again.  And again.  Oh, my Holy Hannah.  Seriously?

Sorry, I can't stop laughing.  It's not you!  It's me.  This is so freakin difficult.   Ha, ha ha! Jump into plank... or fall.  Jump up, or step up????  And, I'll hop to the side... like a cute little baby bunny.... little, little hop.

Wow, I survived.  Now what?

Table pose? what? and kick my legs? what?  While I'm in this pose.  You're crazy!!! ha ha ha, crazy!  How bout, I'll just perfect this table right here and later, we'll add some kicks... I mean seriously.  It was hard enough on it's own.

Sorry, gotta take a break.  Aiden needs out of his high chair.  His screams are verging on intently manic.

So, where were we.  Darn it.  Who ran off with the tuner?

And now.

Off my belly, into plank, into Upward facing dog, into Downward facing dog, jump my feet to my hands (ha ha), rise up and then Mountain Pose.  You mean right now? I can't.  Why not?  Well, first of all I'm tired and the second one is sort of obvious.  All right, all right.  I'll be right there.  Just pause for a moment while I catch up.  I've got a ten month old crawling around on my back and a 3 year old who has his arms wrapped around my head trying to wrestle me into the ground, even more.  Don't worry though, I'll be right there!

Really, Aiden?  Please don't eat the tuner.  You stopped mommie's workout!

Uh, sweetie, it's really dangerous hugging mommy when she's doing this.  I can't quite reach my toes!

Oh, wow.  Isaac! No climbing on mom while she's in Tree Pose!  I'm not a tree!

Just wondering, how much more of this torture session  you have left for me?

I just want you to realize that my core is pretty much deflated flab.  So, when you tell me to get my back off the ground in a crunch, you're asking for the impossible.  Especially since I have a baby lying on my belly and snuggling me right now.  I love sweet snuggles.  So, crunch time with a baby on my belly.  That makes a better workout, right?

Uh, so.  I have to disagree with you right here.  I will not regret the hell out of it if I don't put 100 percent in right now.  At this point, I'm just happy to be here.  Alive.  I think you're projecting your insecurities on to me.  I don't like it.

Fantastic.  I love it when Personal Trainers remind you to keep breathing, like I could forget to breath.  Ha ha ha.  I can't get enough air right now!  I'm not about to forget to breath!  ha ha ha.

In fact, I was thinking that if the government really wanted to take control of our health, they would have workout camps and you would be in charge of them.  I can hear you now, barking out orders on how to relax and let go.  Ha ha ha!  RELAX!  LET GO! WORK! WORK! WORK! and NO PIZZA!
 
What!  That's it?  Wow. Survived.  All of it.  I did it!   I feel like a sweaty mess!  That was awesome!  Love the endorphins!  I haven't had such a fun workout in forever! Aren't you so proud of me!  Wow!  What?
You're now going to be the little voice inside of my head, that comes to all the stores, parties, restaurants, picnics and dates?   You're going to turn all my eating events into, guilt?  Ah, poop.

Clementine Recognitions

"But neither side ever brought forth a proof that really convinced me, because the statements and definitions of things passed as true or false, not from the actual nature of things or the real truth, but always according to the skills and cleverness of the people putting them forth."  Clementine from Clementine Recognitions.  (another early Christian.)

Supposedly, Clementine talked to Peter the Apostle and this is part of the conversations here.  From Hugh Nibley's book Prophets and the World

Peter compares the world in which we live to a great house filled with dense smoke-blinding smoke produced by human unbelief, malice, ambition, greed, etc.  Because of this smoke, the people who live in the house can see nothing clearly, but we must imagine them groping about with weak and running eye, coughing and scolding, bumping into each other, tripping over furniture, trying to make out a bit of reality here and there-a corner, a step, a wall- and then trying to fit their desperate and faulty data together to make some kind of sense....
There is only one possible way to get any sure knowledge either of the building or its builder, and that is to consult one who has come from the pure air of the outside where he has viewed the house with clear detachment and spoken with its builder.  Such a clear view comes only be revelation and can only be conveyed to men, Peter insists again and again, by a true prophet.

Peter insists, it is all-important to prove that a prophet is a true prophet and not one of the swarming impostors.  We must, he says, 'before all things try the faith of the prophet by every possible test.'  A prophet is no ordinary person; he makes no ordinary claim; and he does not ask people to believe him, but to test him.  God is not authoritarian: He asks no one to believe,  but invites the world, as his prophets do, "Prove me herewith."


This is Andy.  I love the idea... Prove me herewith.  I see that idea in my life, as I take a small step of faith forward only to find that God, or my Heavenly Father is there!   Each small step seems to build and continue validating my faith in God.  He is there, He does love me, He will help me, strengthen me, and heal me.  I feel I can rest in the assurance, the knowledge, that no matter what happens (even death) that all will be provided for, all will be well  here on earth or on the other side of the veil.

Justin Martyr

These are early Christian writings...  before the 4th century.

"A long time ago there lived certain men- much older than any of those so-called philosophers we have been talking about; blessed and righteous men, beloved of God.  And they spoke by the Holy Spirit, foretelling those very things which are now coming to pass.  They are called prophets.  They are the only men who have ever seen the truth of things and told it to men without making any timid concessions to public opinion, without seeking to make an impression on people, and without being in the least influenced by concern for what other people might think of them.  But, being filled with the Holy Ghost, they simply reported those things which they had seen and heard.  The writings of those men survive to this day, and anyone can derive the greatest benefit from them and learn from them about the beginnings and endings of things, and all such matters as philosophers are supposed to know.  For it was not their wont to build up a case by formal argument, but simply to report the truth as reliable witnesses, without any disputation at all."