It seems that I haven't written in ages. This year has been a year of turmoil for me. Partly because I became involved with politics... never should have turned the radio on... I even recorded the news to watch later (most of the time I just erased it without watching... but still). Politics make me anxious, I feel like I am losing my country (and my children's) and my freedom (and my children's) and there is nothing that can be done about it. The river is flowing too rapidly and it can't be stopped... but I still have faith, in God, that through sacrifice and love our country may become united again.
The other side to my darker year is because my life is in transition or chaos... I have not yet found the ebb and flow, the stillness, peace and quite that rhythm or routines can bring. My chi has been interrupted. Josh is sick, still. We are poor students, still. Yoga and running, cleaning and organizing have become scattered and inconsistent. I have not yet learned how to juggle three boys, satisfying all of their needs and teaching them to love themselves and others. If only I could reign in my patience all the time... not just when it's easy. If only I could divide my time perfectly, somehow, finding each child's needs met... magically, intuitively... but I am not a magician, only a struggling mother. The tragedy, to me, seems that my love isn't divided, but my time is. It's a tragedy because I yearn with every fiber of my being to give my children everything they need, and I can't, the time, knowledge and application are not mine, at this time. So, instead, I will keep moving and trying to find our rhythm again, because that is how it is supposed to be.
On a side note. I love, love, love being a mom again. I adore my little Aiden. Babies are the best thing ever. In fact, I want another one. Yes, I know. It's crazy. We won't, not yet. But.... I do want one. I suppose, if I purposely have another I shouldn't complain about morning sickness... because, well, I know what I am getting myself into.
Aiden is so snugly, I love snuggles. And to him, I am the best thing in the world. I can walk into the room and he will just beam and kick his legs and wave his hands... wanting, more than anything, to be snuggled by his mom.
When Aiden first began to eat real people food... his first two feedings, were joyous. With every bite he would laugh, mouth wide open, and wiggle and wave his hands and feet (if only we could express ourselves like babies :)... food was glorious. Everyone should enjoy food like that, laughing with every bite.
Also, Aiden wins the prize at crawling soonest... I think he just wanted to be able to go where he wanted to go and so he dedicated himself to learning how to move... if I am remembering right he was crawling between 5-6 months.... maybe even 4? I see the same sort of determination now. He will watch Asher and Isaac and you can see the longing he has to join them and do what they are doing, but not yet.
At this time, Aiden trusts Asher and adores him, but Isaac is... well, Isaac can get Aiden to squeal, whether he is being hurt or not, just one large, slobbery all over the face kiss from Isaac is enough to illicit a few tears, but who would appreciate this form of social grooming? It's a balance, a transition, we approached much better with Asher and Isaac than Isaac and Aiden.
Lastly, I have been so lucky to have pretty calm and mellow, sweet natured baby boys... and while they maintain a measure of the sweetness as they grow up, they are also just as normal and human as any other boy ie: they do throw tantrums and beat up on each other... etc etc.
Today, I took Asher, Isaac, and Aiden to the playground. On the way there Asher and Isaac accumulated all the chestnuts and seed pods (from some tree) as they could. They climbed walls and Asher jumped from them (Isaac jumped into my arms). It was sweet. When we got there we swang in the swings, all three boys laughing when I pushed them. It was delightful. Later, I put Aiden on the bottom of the swirly slide. He was ecstatic, especially after watching his siblings so easily running around. He tried so desperately to climb that slide. It was almost sad to see him slide back down, put his head down and determinedly climb right back up... only to slide back down again. I guess you could say that Aiden is determined, but oh, so sweet.
