on love... my husbands love

i love joshua. our marriage, like all marriages, isn't perfect, but he is kind and gentle. he is an anchor for the turbulent waters i frequently float my boat in, the life saver thrown aptly to a flailing swimmer.  he is a solid, safe haven for me. my sister, lynaea, says her husband is a tall, strong oak tree in which she can find shelter, strength and shade... i like that analogy for joshua too... but it is already taken :).... josh is more then a staying power, flotation device, or tree in my life though.  josh is very, very, very intelligent, proof being that he married me :).

 he loves, loves, loves to play with his children and will do it as often as he can. he will even, occasionally, change a poopy diaper when he happens to be at home and the diaper happens to be poopy.  he does have some minor flaws like limited cooking skills... the dishes he knows how to cook being macaroni and cheese and hot dogs, hot dogs, tuna melts, baked potatoes, and...well... he claims he knows more but i am not sure what they are :)... he made the macaroni and hot dogs for me right after we got married and i got sick!!! i thought it was morning sickness but it wasn't... thank goodness i have only been right about being pregnant twice... if i had been right every time i would have had a family of 100 by now!... speaking of josh... he just came home and brought my purse in... i had left it on our stroller outside... which brings me to another admirable quality of his, he only slightly and sometimes teases me :)... in an attempt to not make him too perfect, but not stain his admirable qualities too, i will share a light hearted anecdote about joshua...josh does not care about clothing and appearances too much at all.  in fact, when we first got married he would occasionally dress to embarrass me or make me laugh.  one day he and his brother, willie, bought matching camo shorts from wal mart and on the way out josh started putting them on over his clothing.  not knowing how to appreciate the humor of the moment, i rolled my eyes, blushed to that bright cherry red i detest feeling on my face and muttered or yelped, i can't remember which, "josh!'... at the exact moment a man walked by and said, " i can't control my children either!' enough said.

i just finished watching, "the young victoria"... not to romanticize my marriage too much (but i will anyway)... i felt that joshua was mirrored in prince albert (his last mirror was the virginian) ... albert's continual belief and support in victoria is similar to how josh believes in and supports me.  albert wrote to her... like you said, you are stronger than you look (paraphrased).  josh has encouraged me with words very like those, most beautifully after i gave birth to our second son.

like queen victoria, i find myself wanting to ensure that no one crunches my toes while walking on my feet or exerts control in any way (real or imaginary) since i spent a majority of my life impersonating a door mat or mushy fruit, allowing myself to be a victim (be careful, i have known some door mats to bite and mushy fruit isn't really sweet :) so, albert becomes the oil in her water, the anchor, the arms of safety, a tree to lean on, a foundation to build, a life to share together.

i know it is a movie and as such may not have been totally realistic and to believe josh and i are exactly like the people portrayed in a movie is asking for a lot of romantic dreams to be quashed...any dreams based on perfection will eventually fail... we are all too human and imperfect... it used to crush me so when things didn't work the way i imagined them. but i have learned, since my youthful days, to enjoy the real as much as the dream... josh is real. he isn't a dream. i wouldn't trade him for anything with all his perfections and imperfections. how i missed him while i was in oregon. when we cuddled that night (yes cuddling) i felt the flooring in my soul return to its proper place, a foundation rebuilt. i was safe again. i know to rely on another so much isn't safe or wise. eventually, i would like to build a stronger foundation based on other things too,but who better to do it with than someone who believes in you and shares the tools to do it.

provo houses

i dream of owning a house someday.  one with an expansive lawn and gardens.  maybe even a ranch where i can race on a horse across the prairie, the world rolling and tumbling by below my feet... the view before me endless blue sky and mountains stretching their arms to the heavens and across the land.  Or perhaps, a stone cottage by the sea where every morning i will wake and smell the salt and roses in the air (roses from my garden of course)... 

the most important aspects of my house will be... a place for the children to play inside and outside, a place for me to dance freely without inhibitions ( i have always thought a room is too crowded with stuff if it cannot be danced in), a place for josh to do his computer thing of course and any other hobby he wishes to pursue :) (i read this to josh and he asked for a secret lair :) a large kitchen for good meals to be made and eaten, a room for quiet and solitude, another for music and books... maybe even art if i ever become brave enough or if any of my children have the passion and desire.  the colors will be soft and enticing, cool and warm... blues and greens with accents of reds, yellows or any other harmonious vibrant color (josh asked for glow in the dark :)  the outside of my home will be carpeted in green grass and moss... the kind of lawn bare feet are grateful for...

 flowers and fruit trees (nectarines most especially), vegetable gardens where the spiders can grow large and fat (josh can get rid of them) (i remember them from my parents gardens... large and exotic looking, striped black and white...i never made friends with them though... they were too large for my childish imagination) and of course a berry patch... i love picking blueberries... something so satisfying in the way they roll in your fingers... something that reassures the ocd in me, hunting down the ripe berries and leaving the unripe behind for another wild tangle... i may or may not indulge my taste buds as i pick them :) or i may eat them after an early morning run... something so fresh and wonderful about a good run and then eating sun ripe, dew dripping berries first thing in the morning...  i will mow my lawns in perfect straight lines (i love mowing straight lines!!!... i have a life theory from mowing straight lines... straight lines are almost impossible... too many bumps and etc throw the wheels off their perfect course... but it is ok... just look behind you... see where you went of course... think about how you will fix it... and then do it ) i won't be too picky about which directions my lines go as long as they are good lines! maybe even circles... occasionally i may even make a maze to play cat and mouse in with my children.  after all i can just mow it again and make it nice for the neighbors later )

and there will be animals... horses... a milk cow (i am not sure who will milk it, i have never milked a cow)... chickens (if i can tolerate them)... dogs and cats (they WILL get a long :)... 

last, but not least... i want my home to be comfortable... i want people to enter and feel a sigh of relief sooth their souls... i want them to be able to feel that this is a home away from home... you can relax here, talk here about anything, find safety and comfort here, healing, quiet and joy, to feel the happiness of the noise and exuberance and love of family and friends, i want them to be able to feel love... God's love, my love, and my families love and leave feeling warmed by that love and my berry or pumpkin pie

they really are sleeping

my children really are sleeping right now. both. at the same time.  this day has been long in coming.  usually isaac is tired, but asher isn't and he won't be quiet in his bedroom for quiet time while i try to put isaac to sleep... thus... neither of my children nap.  sometimes, asher is sleepy but isaac won't sleep (although he is sleepy!). so, then asher is roused from his slumbers.   i thought kids were supposed to get used to noise and sleep through it. not mine!

it is raining today, i love the rain.  i love how it drums lightly on the pavement and housetops.  the earth smells clean and fresh... washed and new. to me, there is something spiritual about cleanliness.  imagine not bathing for days (and maybe not sleeping... seen all too often here :) and then finally, stepping into the shower and cleaning the smells, the dirt and oils, the tiredness from your body.  it feels so good!  i believe our souls feel like that sometimes... they start feeling heavy and laden, broken and maybe stinky :) and they just want to be clean again.  I feel most spiritually clean when i am trying to be like the Savior, when i am grateful, or have been touched by the Spirit.

(this cloud is deceiving (speaking of rain and cleanliness)... i saw it... it was the only one in the sky... and i thought, no rain today... and then... it rained... in the afternoon)